H A N E S E
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My steps come to a halt as I become lost watching how the sky with different hues of orange and red slowly turns to pink and blue⏤a beautiful combination, a dream, like magnificent colors just brushed upon an artist’s canvas. A cool wind passes my skin and loud honks and noises from different vehicles are enough to wake me up from the interim haze.
Seven seconds. I’ve missed the seconds of the sun before it set.
Nanatili akong nakatayo sa gilid ng kalsada habang nakatanaw sa kalangitan. I feel so empty of the sun’s absence from the beautiful scenery I am looking at. The wind is getting colder, and I’m shivering. But . . . I don’t think that’s the reason why . . .
Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang gusto kong manlumo. It’s only a . . . sunset. A regular thing.
Makikita ko pa naman ‘yon bukas. Or the day after tomorrow. Kahit araw-araw pa. Pero bakit ang sakit na hindi ko makita ‘yon ngayon?
Sunsets have been my assurance that everything comes to an end. It’s as if a reminder for everyone to take a rest and call it a day. A pause. A beautiful ending . . . That’s why I always dread watching sunsets everyday.
It takes only seven seconds before it finally vanishes from the horizon, seven seconds . . . and I missed it.
Why do I have to miss it today?
Why now . . . when I want to see the end of this nightmare?
Muling umihip ang hangin, hinahawi ang buhok ko sa aking mukha. Ngunit hindi na ako nag-abalang pigilan o ayusin ‘yon. Wala na akong lakas para do’n dahil muli na naman akong naglakad.
I want to see the end of this bullshit. But where?
“What the fuck, Hanese?”
A warm hand abruptly tugs me on my wrist, stopping me from walking as my heels whirl around because of the force, and then gasp when my forehead hits something hard. It’s warm. Firm. Familiar. When I look up, a pair of furious brown eyes are already glaring at me. My lips quiver, feeling even more cold despite the fire he’s shooting me with his eyes.
“Gildo.”
“Why . . .” Nanginig ang boses niya. Nang maramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng hawak niya sa palapulsuhan ko ay napatingin ako roon. “Why are you not answering your phone?”
A small, weak smile creeps on my lips. He’s upset. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng kamay niya sa balat ko. I wonder if he can feel me shaking, too.
Inignora ko ang tanong niya at inabot ang kamay niyang nakahawak. Kaagad ‘yon nanghina nang maramdaman ako kaya lalo akong napangiti at muling nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya nang siya na mismo ang humuli sa kamay ko para hawakan.
Now, he’s holding me as if I’m handcuffed using his hands. Tila wala na talaga akong kawala sa kaniya dahil maging ang mga mata niya tutok na tutok sa akin, hinihintay akong magsalita.
“Are you angry?”
“No,” tiim-bagang at mabilis na sagot niya sa akin. “Kung galit ako, iuuwi kita agad at ikukulong sa kuwarto, Hanese.”
Natawa ako.
“Don’t laugh,” he hisses and gently tugs me to him to bury me with a tight yet comforting hug. “This is me being upset. Naiinis lang ako. I called your phone many times since your friends from your work called and asked me about your absence . . . I dropped you off earlier, Han. ‘Di ba? You even promised me dinner tonight. Tapos maririnig ko ‘yon? You even turned off your phone, so of course . . . I have the right to at least get annoyed.”
Hindi napawi ang ngiti sa labi ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero ang makita siyang ganito ay gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko. I break away from his embrace as I reach for his cheek to caress it. Ngunit umiwas siya at umirap sa akin. Natawa na naman tuloy ako.
“Did I make you worry?”
“Ano sa tingin mo?” naiirita niyang tanong. “I roamed this whole city. Kulang na lang ay tumawag ako ng pulis, tapos tatawanan mo ako?”
That makes me giggle. “Kaya pala ang pangit mo na.”
He looks tired. Wala na nga ang suot niyang collar na ako pa ang nagtali kanina, maging ang itim na coat niya. His always neat hair is now disheveled⏤parang ilang beses pumasada ang mga daliri niya roon. I can imagine how stressed he was while driving around here. Pero ‘di siya pangit. He looks even sexier right now.
“And whose fault is that?”
Lumapit pa ako sa kaniya at mas ngumiti pa. “Your gorgeous, hot girlfriend?”
Sumimangot siya, pero napansin ko ang kunot sa gilid ng labi niya na tila pinipigilan niyang mapangiti. Lalo pa tuloy akong natawa kasi ang cute niyang tingnan.
“Ang daya mo naman. I should be annoyed, Han. Kung ngingiti ka nang gan’yan, e ‘di, tunaw lahat.”
I laugh again. “Baka pumalakpak ka na kapag hinalikan kita, ah.”
“Tss.” Ngumuso siya kaya natawa ulit ako at tinapik ang mga labi niya. “I’m not asking for a kiss!”
“Then why are you pouting?”
“I’m trying to tame you to get serious. You keep on laughing and acting cute. ‘Di pa ako tapos mainis, Hanese.”
‘Yon nga, eh. I don’t want to have a serious talk with him. I don’t want him throw questions at me that I know where they will lead to. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng isasagot sa kaniya kaya ako ganito.
I feel fake. I shouldn’t laugh or even smile like this, but . . . I have to. Ayaw ko siyang mag-alala kung sakaling bigla na lang akong . . . bumigay.
“Can we just go home?”
He frowns. “You’re not answering my question yet⏤”
“Love . . .” I lean my forehead on his chest, hoping he’ll stop. That he won’t ask me any more questions. “I’m tired. Let’s go home, please?”
‘Yon lang yata ang tumugma sa mga sinabi ko. I’m really tired. Ngayong nandito na si Gildo, tila ba naramdaman ko lahat ng pagod na ‘di ko maramdaman kanina. I was numb earlier. Empty. But with his presence, the feelings that stuck within me are overflowing that’s making me scared. Paano kung bigla na lang akong . . . sumabog at maiyak sa harapan niya?
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Am I okay?
I nod.
Pero nangingilid na ang mga luha ko. I bite my lower lip to stop quivering before I speak.
“Just take me home with you, Gildo.”
Ngunit hindi nakatakas kay Gildo ang pagkabasag ng boses ko. Pumulupot ang mga kamay niya sa likuran ko para yumakap. That makes me weaker. Parang gusto ko na lang umiyak sa kaniya at magsumbong gaya ng lagi kong ginagawa tuwing nahihirapan ako.
He’s smart. He knows me better than I do. Alam kong alam niyang may mali. Alam ko rin na sinasakyan niya lang ang mga sinasabi ko kanina.
He’s really worried, and I’m guilty for making him feel that.
“You had a bad day, hmm?” banayad ang boses na tanong niya.
His voice is too soft not to make me cry now that I feel like a shit. Nang hagudin niya ang likuran ko ay napapikit na ako at tuluyang nagpahigop sa kanlungan niya. I can feel how my tears stream down my cheek as I hug him back.
“Really bad,” I murmur.
“Alright then,” aniya. “We’ll go home. ‘Di na ako naiinis.”
“Talaga?”
“Wala na. Kahit mainis, ‘di ko na magawa. Isang lambing mo lang, bumibigay na ako, eh.”
I chuckle. “Then can you carry me?”
“Ha?” Naramdaman ko ang paglunok niya. “Pagod din ako, love. P’wedeng pass muna?”
But still, in the end, he carried me on his back to where he parked his car. Hindi na siya nagtanong kahit na alam kong nangangati na ang dila niyang magtanong. Hindi na siya nangulit nang tumahimik ako. Hindi siya namilit . . . Hinayaan niya lang ako.
That’s how Gildo is. He’s a wonderful man⏤too good for me to have.
I watch him as he drives, even though he’s aware, he just lets me without asking. I can only see his side profile. Ngunit kahit gano’n pa man ay malaya ko pa rin nakikita ang makakapal niyang mga kilay, matangos na ilong, mapupungay na mga mata, ang pulang mga labi.
Kung ikukumpara siya sa akin, we have nothing alike. Mula buhok hanggang sa kalingkingan ng paa, sa ugali, sa mga gusto⏤sa lahat ng bagay. But . . . we both feel like we belong to each other regardless of our differences.
We still fell in love with each other.
“Gano’n ba ako kapangit ngayon para titigan mo?” he asks.
“Nagjo-joke lang ako kanina.” The corner of my lips tugs softly. “And it’s not that you’d be convinced if someone told you that you’re ugly. You know yourself you’re not.”
“‘Di naman talaga, ah? Maganda ka, kaya hindi p’wedeng pangit ako.” Ngumisi siya saka nagnakaw ng sulyap sa akin. “Then why are you looking at me that much? If you’re wondering if I’m still upset, I told you⏤”
“I just love seeing you like this,” putol ko. “I want to see you always, Gildo.”
He laughs at me. Saktong pagtawa niya nang mapadpad na kami sa tulay kung saan minsan lang namin nadaanan noon. Parang bumagal ang lahat nang unang matanaw ko ang kahel na kalangitan . . . hanggang sa dahan-dahang nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko nang tumama ang sinag ng araw sa kabilang parte ng mukha ni Gildo.
The sunset . . . It’s still here.
Natulala ako. Akala ko ay tuluyan na ‘tong lumubog kanina. But maybe I was too exhausted to notice the tall buildings from earlier.
I didn’t miss it.
The ending . . .
I’m in awe while watching Gildo laugh while the sun is in the background. I can’t hear anything⏤even his laugh become muffled until it’s nothing. Para akong nabingi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero hindi ko pinansin ‘yon at nanatiling nakatitig kay Gildo.
He looks wonderful with the golden sunset behind . . .
“Mahal na mahal mo talaga ako, ‘no?”
Tila bumalik ako sa reyalidad dahil sa tanong niya. He’s still beaming with happiness. I want to feel that, too . . . Gusto ko rin sumaya kasama siya.
But how?
Paano ako sasaya kung alam ko na ang lahat ng ‘to ay may hangganan?
That I can cause him pain someday?
That after this, tomorrow, or maybe several days from now, he’ll suffer because of me?
Gusto kong ngumiti ulit, pero tuluyan na akong naubusan ng lakas. Pinanood ko lang siyang maging masaya. At habang ginagawa ‘yon ay nadudurog ako.
How can I tell him that . . . I’m dying?
I’m dying, Gildo.
My end is near . . . like this beautiful sunset. Will you still watch me go away if that time comes?
UN☪ | 02niin
