Shattered With Love

Shutting Down

I lay awake hours on end
Re-reading the stories in my head

I could say I'm okay
The way I always do

It's getting hard to plaster a smile
I've felt depressed for awhile

I keep it inside my head
Or trap it In a book of fiction

To pretend it doesn't exist
But it's like something has switched

I'm too consumed in my head
My mouth moves in response when someone speaks

But it's all out of habit
To sit quietly while my heart aches

I almost slipped up today
When your words became harsh

Almost let the tears fall down
Instead I quietly walked away

Let my heart wrench when I was alone
Behind the door to cry on my own

Foundation covered the redness in my cheeks and under my eyes

Only it isn't enough anymore

To cry doesn't help to feel relieved

Not enough alcohol to numb this agony

It's getting hard not to relapse

To not inflict the pain upon myself

Here I am shutting down

But I still listen to you talk about your day

Your entire night consists of those 8 hours

I let It slip by when you don't ask about my day

When you don't seem to notice I'm not okay

I've mastered the art of pretending

My denial is too sincere to be noticed for what it is

My head is filled with everything and nothing

I've been losing sleep and skipping meals

Trying to shut off my mind

To gain control of my own depression

Haven't gone a night that I haven't cried

And even that doesn't succumb to sleep

Not the way it used too