Murder Recall

Memories

I want to remember my early childhood. When I question Mum and Harriet, they don't remember hardly anything about it. They said they were both working for a rich lady and there were other servants. My father and Michi's father worked for her too. Other than that, they just tell me about what a wonderful little girl I was. They smile at me for being so full of questions and I can sense that those are years they would rather not think about, not because of me, but because of the frightening times they were. It's like a secret no one will talk about. The lady's first name was Winnie and she was an artist. She died a long time ago. Makes me wonder about the Winnie in my dreams. I remember the cave and being rescued by Rita and it feels like that is the beginning of my life, more precisely, the beginning of my memory.

They have told me that no one remembers their own first years. There could be a vague emotional memory but it wouldn't be experienced as something recalled. So I have been thinking about memory and analyzing my own experience of it in an attempt to increase my understanding about the nature of past time. Without recall, memory would not be consciously experienced. It's said, and it makes sense to me, that all experience is recorded in memory and the vast majority of life is never recalled; however, though an experience may not be recalled, it becomes part of who we are. There is a slight difference in meaning between the words 'recall' and 'remember'. 'Remember' can mean to store in memory and it can also mean to recall. Something can be stored in the memory without it ever being recalled. All experience is stored in memory. To recall is to have a memory reappear in the conscious mind. To be able to recall anything, the experience has to be reflected on. It has to be thought about. It has to be relived in the imagination. Images have to be associated with it and words given to describe it. Without this process, though strong emotions may be associated with the experience, when it is remembered, the experience will not be consciously remembered and it will be recalled as an intuition. This can happen with events experienced as a baby before any language is learned. The role of language is hugely determinant in the development of memory: image - word - repeat - recall. An example of unconscious memory is the formation of habits. For instance, if you walk the same path each day, you no longer think about where you have to go, your feet just know the way. Then if you want to change your route, you must consciously focus on the new way to go, otherwise your feet will follow the old path. In the forest, far from any path, there is a clean spring the size of a pond. The surface reflects the world above it and these reflections hide what is below.

Maya had returned to Eden and sat on the fallen tree trunk near me. It was covered in thick green and yellow moss. The tree had lived for hundreds of years and was struck by lightening during the storm when Rita was also struck. I closed my journal and slipped the pencil inside the pocket on the front cover.

"Did you know my mum when I was a baby?" I asked.

Maya looked at me with a particular look I couldn't quite understand. It was like she was wondering what to say. She replied, "Yes."

"Tell me about those years, please," I requested, "I have a longing to know. My mum doesn't seem to remember or want to remember them. I don't know why and my questions bring an uncomfortable expression to her face. Those times seem to cause her pain."

Maya asked, "Has Hilda ever talked to you about your birth?"

"Not at all," I answered, "Can you tell me about it?"

Maya answered, "Well, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was the happiest day of your mother's life."

I begged Maya, "Please tell me what you know. The secrecy is undeniable, although they won't acknowledge it. It upsets me, but I keep that to myself. It does make me suspicious that something sinister happened, otherwise why the reluctance to talk and remember? I've noticed significant glances between my mum and Harriet so I know they share some knowledge they don't want me to know. But why? And now you are holding back with me too."