Gray Area (sequel to White Noise)

Ch 22 - Risky

What in the hell did I just do?

These were the first words to pop into my brain as soon as I opened my eyes, and it was safe to say that I was freaking the hell out. Maybe I just dreamed about it. Maybe it didn't really happen.

I cautiously turned my head to the side and saw Michael sprawled out next to me, still sleeping soundly. Nope. It's not a dream.

"Alright, Alexis," I thought to myself. "Just calm down. Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be."

Michael let out a soft snore and tossed a bit in his sleep, turning his head on the pillow to where he was facing me.

Oh, shit. Who was I kidding? It was totally a big deal. It was a massive deal. I had been doing my very best to prevent something like that from happening, and there we were. My first thought was to sneak out before he woke up. I had no idea where I'd go, but it was my only option if I didn't want to face him. I knew I'd have to face him eventually, but the longer I could put it off, the better.

I began mentally planning my escape route when, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Michael shuffled again before opening his eyes, immediately meeting my own and giving me a beaming smile.

"Hey," he said, reaching over and touching my face.

I tried my best to match his smile. "Hey." If I'm going to be honest, I'd wanted a moment like that with Michael since the first time I laid eyes on him. And I probably could have had one a hundred times over, if only I hadn't been so damn afraid of it.

I was completely freaking out internally, struggling to not let it show outwardly. I was most likely failing miserably.

Michael raised up and scooted closer, leaning towards me, presumably for a kiss. I turned my head, dodging his lips, and looked at the clock on the table. "Oh, damn. It's after 10:00. Tori will be here in less than an hour. We're supposed to go do some wedding stuff." It was a complete lie, but he didn't have to know that.

"Oh. Okay," he said, getting the point. Yet, he didn't move. He was still very close, studying my face, no doubt trying to figure out why I was already back to rejecting him.

The intensity in which he was staring at me made my throat tighten, and I had a little trouble getting out my next words. "Um, you should probably go so I can get ready." I felt like the world's biggest bitch. Probably because I was.

"Yeah, I guess I should," he said, getting up and gathering his clothes which had been thrown all across the room. I knew I wasn't fooling anyone but myself. But thankfully, Michael played along with my little game. I detected a hint of hurt in his tone, and it made me want to cry.

I wrapped the sheet around myself and hurriedly grabbed some clean clothes from my suitcase while Michael got dressed. I tried making it to the bathroom before any further interaction, but I wasn't quick enough.

"Lex," he said, touching my arm just when I reached out to open the bathroom door. I willed myself to make eye contact.

"Yeah?"

"I, um, I'll talk to you later?" he said, more as a question than a statement.

I nodded with a small smile, "Yeah, later."

He gave me a lingering kiss on the forehead, then I retreated to the safety of the bathroom.

There's no telling how long I was in that shower, just standing there beating myself up over my moment of weakness. I was hoping a long hot shower would be cathartic, but I still felt like shit afterwards, both mentally and physically. It wasn't really regret that had me feeling so terrible. It was the fact that I had been so heartless toward Michael. I was treating him exactly how every man I'd ever had feelings for treated me: like he meant nothing to me. And why? Because I was scared.

When I decided it was time to suck it up, I finally ended my pity party and left the bathroom.

Michael was gone, as expected. But he had left a note on the bed.

Alexis,

I'd tell you that I'm sorry, and that I wished it never happened, but I'd be lying. I hope that, with time, you'll accept it and feel the same.

Mikey xx

Forget feeling like shit. I felt like scum of the earth. And I desperately needed my friend. My hands were shaking as I dialed her number.

"Tori," I choked out, not able to hold in my tears any longer.

She didn't even need me to say anything else. "I'm on my way," she said, hanging up the phone.

It didn't even take her 30 seconds to get to my room. "Oh, honey," she said as soon as she saw me, and embraced me in a tight hug. She gave me a few moments to let me cry it out before leading me to the bed and sitting down beside me. "What happened, Lex? Did Michael do something? You know I'll kick his ass if he did." I knew she was 100% sincere about that.

"No. I'm the one who needs the ass kicking."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because it's the truth, Tor. I'm so stupid. I knew better, and I let it happen anyway." I went on to explain everything, sparing only the most intimate of details. I told her how Michael made a move, and how I caved and let my heart take control. I explained how I woke up and realized what I'd done, and I wanted to disappear. And I showed her the note Michael left.

When she finished reading it, she held the paper to her chest and gave me the saddest look, tears glistening in her eyes. "Oh, Lex. He loves you. He has forever. It's so obvious."

Normally, Tori had the best words of wisdom. But her response to the note only made me feel worse. "I'm not so sure it's 'love,' but yeah, that's what makes this whole thing suck even worse. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't be with him like that. It's too risky. And how the fuck are we supposed to have a normal friendship now?"

"No offense, Lex, but you two have never had a 'normal' friendship. And what do you mean by 'too risky'?"

"I mean someone is bound to get hurt. It never fails, Tori."

She took my hand between both of hers and said, "It's okay to love, Lex. I know you've had bad experiences, but it doesn't mean that this one will turn out that way, too. Look at Calum and me. We took a chance, and it worked. Was it always easy? No. But it's been worth every sacrifice each of us has made to get where we are now. You deserve love. Let him give it to you. Take a chance."

I was so overwhelmed. My brain was fried and I didn't want to think about it anymore. "I know I'm the one who called you over here. And thank you for coming, and for the advice. But I really need some distraction right now. Can we get out of here?"

"Absolutely. There's plenty of last minute planning left to keep us occupied all day."

"Good," I said, putting on my shoes. "Let's go."

"Okay, but, Lex?"

"Yeah?"

She raised an eyebrow at me and said, "You can run, but you can't hide forever. Just saying."

Maybe so. But I was going to hide for as long as I could manage.