Starhold Vesta

Chapter 2.2

A little part of me wishes Hux would float back out here to make a buffer between me and Nuna's anger. At the same time, I hope he's so far deep into the bramble, he won't hear a word of this. I was never good at confrontation.

No, confrontation I'm fine with if I can use my pistols. This other thing where I have to talk about hurt and feelings. I almost throw myself into the thicket with him.

"It's good for him to know a little bit of Earth," Nuna says as she approaches. "Our apple trees did not look like this. But I did not live near too many apples. My family grew avocados."

"So you're talking to me?"

"You do not expect me to be angry with you?"

"I expected it." I hook my foot on a root and cross my arms. "Because I deserve it. I'm sorry I did that to you." The new Janika Lorn apologizes. She doesn't hold herself to such mighty standards as she did before.

Nuna grabs the branch I was holding before her arrival. "To be frank, I suspected your departure. It is one of the reasons I remained in your bed—to make sure someone was there for Huxley in the morning."

"He's lucky to have you in his life."

"Have me as what, precisely?"

Not this question again. "As his family. You, me, Teeno... and I guess Uncle Moon."

"Family?" She chews on the word like it's not the flavor she expected.

"Yeah. Like his favorite aunt."

Nuna grips the branch tight. "Auntie? Is that what I am? Have I not been by your side and his since you both came to the HMS Valediction to live?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Have I not bathed him, fed him, held him when he cried when you were out for stretches of time that, to him, felt like ages." She chokes on her emotion.

I knew this conversation was coming, but I had never planned for it to hurt this much. I am a terrible parent. I am a terrible—whatever it is Nuna wants me to be. Whatever it was Dean wanted from me. "You have. You've always been there for him."

"This is why I am mad at you, Janika. This is what breaks my heart. It's not that you come and go and leave without warning. I love the spirit that compels you. But I am mad because you do not let yourself see me how I see you and how I see us." She pushes herself off the branch and closes the gap. We collide softly, grabbing each other's forearms until we're locked together. Her large, brown eyes are glassy with restrained tears. I'm so tired of doing this to the people I love.

I pull away. "I can never thank you enough for what you do for him."

"I am not seeking your gratitude."

"Well, I don't know what else to give you." I release her and drift back. "Gratitude is about all I can manage right now."

"Keep it for someone else."

"Then it's settled. We don't owe each other anything."

Nuna gazes into the branches above where Hux is swinging between neighboring trees. "I am seeking your love. You do not have it for me, because you are still giving it to someone else, then?"

I wince. "There's no one else."

"Then who are you chasing?"

"My people," I say, my voice rising. "My father, my friends, the people who served with me in some of the worst fucking scenarios your nightmares couldn't even imagine. I'm searching for all the people who didn't make it here and who won't make it to their destination. And even if they do, there's nothing there for them. I want to bring them home."