Dear diary,
It's been a few weeks since I wrote my last entry. It's now already march and we are going to record three new songs next week. I'm not really sure how I want to feel about meeting him again. The last time I saw him was two weeks ago when he dropped the children off. They keep always asking about their father. It hurts very much each time. But I can't blame them. They are just too small to understand it. I often wonder if I am failing as a mother. Are they happier with their father? Would they have a better childhood growing up with their father? I have the feeling that I am missing their entire childhood. I wanted to make things better with Christian that I did with Linda. In the end everything went worse that I could ever imagine. Due to me are we divorcing. I thought having a second child would make me happier. I thought that it might repair our marriage but instead I've done everything wrong. I just don't know what happened to me after giving birth to Christian. I fell into a dark hole. I was just so depressed all the time and ruined everything. I guess Björn's better doing without me. Lena will make him happier. There seems to be no end of this - I don't know how to describe it. There is no light at the end of the dark tunnel I am right now walking through. Instead it get's darker and darker. How can I turn to with my problems? I don't want to be burden so I don't want to talk to Frida. She must be annoyed of me constantly crying in her arms. I want to see a psychologist neither. I am not crazy, am I?
Still I'm very nervous about our upcoming recording session. What if I'm not also a bad mother but also a bad singer? Should I just give up and disappear forever? Would I let him, them down when I do that? I don't want to disappoint any more people than I already did.
I should try to motivate myself more, shouldn't I?
Though I would love to give up and disappear, I need to continue fighting. For them, for my two little angels. For the reason of my living. They are right now the only ones holding me up.
(This chapter is extremely short. The reason I am posting this as a single part is that it doesn't fit into the last chapter neither will it fit in the next one.)
YOU ARE READING
I Wonder
FanfictionAgnetha just separated from Björn and questions her whole decisions with ABBA and her children. She begins to regret many things in her past. But which decisions were really bad or good? And how will she move on?
