Everything was blurry. It was dark. He touched me. Over and over again. Running his hands all over me. Ripping my clothes off. I felt his lips, his tongue on me. I felt him inside me. I tried to scream, to cry but I couldn’t. I was numb.
Fifteen. That’s how old I was when my innocence was ripped away. I wish I could remember his name or at least his face. All I fairly remember was those eyes, those blue eyes. It was my first high school party as a freshman and to say I had a little too much to drink was an understatement. I actually don’t even remember drinking that much I guess I have a low tolerance for alcohol. Regardless, that night was a blur. I clearly remember the morning after my parents scolding me “Taylor, you know better, blah blah blah”, followed by a month’s worth of grounding.
I asked my friends what happened the night before and all of them said how I was drunk off my ass. My friend Aleah, the only friend who apparently gave two shits about me was the one who carried me home. She had a little more info from the night before, but not much considering she was a tad bit of a whore and was flirting with every guy there with a six pack. She said she didn’t see me go upstairs or leave with any guy. She did confirm for me that I did not have more than two red solo cups. I knew it, whoever that guy was spiked my drink. She is the only one who knows about the mystery man.
It took me forever to accept I had been raped. I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud. I liked imagining that it didn’t happen, like it was just a bad dream. Ironically, I had repeated nightmares of it happening. So many of them felt so real, like it was happening again. Every nightmare I had I hoped that it would reveal something my memory was lacking to tell me. Part of me wanted to hate this guy, he was a disgusting individual after all but part of me was intrigued to find who he was. Maybe it was better if I didn’t know though.
Aleah wanted me to get tested for and STD’s or if I was preggers. I didn’t want to. It was embarrassing, but I agreed. The nurse who gave me the tests looked at me weird, judging. I mean, I know im a15 year old getting tested, but it’s not like I’m the only 15 year old having sex. It was hard for me to come to a term with that’s what it was. I had sex with that anonymous man, even though it was far from enjoyable, I had sex with him, or I guess. He had sex with me. Thankfully, the results came back clean.
She also asked me to file a police report but I couldn’t. What was I going to say? I was drinking and some random guy that I couldn’t remember to save my life, and I had sex. I mean, I couldn’t remember if I said no, if I tried to stop him. I’d like to think I did, but id also like to think the whole thing never happened. I told her no, and made her promise she wouldn’t say anything.
I don’t think ive shed one tear over the whole incident. Aleah told me she was surprised how strong I was being. I wasn’t being strong. Every time it thought about it, I went back to that night, and I got numb. I wish I could have cried, Released the pain, the anger, and the confusion.
I would spend days and days at school trying to find a face from that night. I tried to find those blue eyes. I never came to find anyone. I eventually gave up and moved on. Don’t get me wrong, ill never forget what happened to me or those eyes, but life was continuing on and I couldn’t afford to stick in the past.
