A Glimmer of Hope

Before the Fall

      "Are you sure that it was him?" I hoarsely asked the person on the other end of the phone. There must have been a mistake. It literally could not be Benjamin. "Well, ma'am the ID in the wallet in the passenger seat of the car SAYS Benjamin Sawyer. If you could please come down to clear this up if you really don't think it's him, I would appreciate it," she said losing her patience with my shock. I didn't immediately say anything, so she hung up. 

    I made my way to the hospital she had called from. I must have gone into some sort of dissociative state after she hung up on me. I clearly drove myself, the keys were in my hand, there's no one I would have called, but it seems like I don't remember doing it. I look up and suddenly I'm walking to the reception area of the hospital. 

  The receptionist was kind and patient, I know I must have looked a fright. My long blonde hair was tangled and going in all different directions. My emerald green eyes behind my purple rimmed glasses were bloodshot from what must have been crying, but I don't remember doing it. I've always been thin so that's nothing out of the ordinary. I looked down and I was wearing Ben's boxers and big t shirt because I was going to bed when I got the call.

  The receptionist directed me to the morgue. I had to identify him to be sure. I couldn't believe this was all real right now. He was just coming home from working late. It had been raining all night but our car was in fine condition and he was an excellent driver. We didn't drink alcohol. What happened to my husband on the road? What was I about to see? I just wanted to remember him as he was; his gorgeous smile. Those deep brown eyes that just get you lost when he's talking about something he's passionate about. The smile that dances behind his lips when he talks to me. The light that comes to those eyes... It's my own personal bliss. Will I have to live the rest of my life without seeing those eyes light up again?

  I found the morgue in silence, just following my own thoughts. I arrive at the door, gently knock. The mortician lets me in, greets me solemnly and directs me to the covered body on his table. I know from the dread that I felt in my heart walking into that cold, sterile room that it was my husband. My intuition has always been powerful and something to trust. I felt the tears fall within feet of his body, still covered in the sheet. I just knew. I can't explain it anymore than that.

  He uncovered him delicately, and I saw him. There was no denying it. The dark brown hair, the short beard. His wedding ring made of Tungsten that I got for him because he was a very hard working plumber. He was actually at a side job helping my boss. That was my Benjamin. He did things like that not just because we could use extra cash, but because he knew it meant something to me. He didn't look like he had a lot of visible bodily injuries. When I was staring at him, I heard the doctor say that he seemed to have had a brain aneurysm from the looks of it but couldn't be sure until the autopsy came back.

  Suddenly, thousands of memories from the last fifteen years buzz through my brain. Our introduction, dating, the engagement, small wedding. The stress of living in a third floor apartment with those three damned dogs he had to have so badly that I secretly loved SO much but could never tell him. Losing those three sweet dogs just a couple of months ago. 

   After the apartment, we bought a house, it was small but it was ours with a good amount of land for the dogs to play on, too. That was probably the happiest time of my life. A few years later, we tried so hard to have children but it just wasn't happening for us. It took me awhile to do so, but I made peace with that. That was the greatest heartache we faced together. The disappointment. 

  Now I would face losing him alone, all by myself. My parents would fly up for a week or so then have to understandably go back to their own lives and my siblings that needed them and help with their own kids. My friends started having babies when I couldn't and they didn't know how to act around me anymore and the tension in the air was thick. So I decided to just keep to my work and decided that I'm not the type of woman to keep up with friends. My husband was my very best friend and all that I needed, even if he did drive me crazy. But that's what husbands do best. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  After his funeral, I took what funds I could scrape together, sold our house, all of our possessions except the important keepsakes, and used the money to buy a high quality RV to live in while I traveled the country for the next year or so. I would heal myself by doing what Ben and I said we would do when we retired and paid off any and everything. 

  I was a few months into my trip, driving into the South. I was nearing Georgia when I started getting emergency alerts on the emergency radio I got for the RV. "Seek immediate shelter. Lock your doors. Do not make contact with anyone who may be infected."

  Infected? What in the hell was going on? 

  I looked at the picture of Ben on my dashboard. "I have a feeling you're about to miss some interesting stuff, babe."