CONSIDER YOURSELF A DRUG ADDICT IF:
1. ..YOU ACTUALLY PAY FOR DRUGS.
2. ...YOU USE A STRAW AS OPPOSED TO A ROLLED-UP DOLLAR BILL.
3. ...YOU USE THE WORD 'blow'.
4. ...YOU'RE A GUY AND YOU'RE BACKSTAGE AT A MARILYN MANSON CONCERT (UNLESS YOU'RE A DEALER OR A POLICE OFFICER),
5. ...YOU OWN MORE THAN ONE PINK FLOYD RECORD.
6. ...YOU DO COCAINE DURING A SHOW. (IF YOU DO IT AFTER A SHOW, YOU'RE OKAY. IF IT'S BEFORE, YOU'RE TEETERING ON THE BRINK.)
7. ...THE MERE MENTION OF COCAINE MAKES YOU PASS GAS OR THE SIGHT OF IT MAKES YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHIT.
8. ...YOU'VE WRITTEN MORE THAN TWO SONGS THAT REFER TO DRUGS.
9. ...YOU GET KICKED OUT OF A BAND FOR BEING A DRUG ADDICT.
10. ...YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH A MODEL.
11. ...YOU LIVE IN NEW ORLEANS.
12. ...YOU PAY FOR YOUR GROCERIES WITH ROLLED-UP DOLLAR BILLS.
13. ...YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN DR. HOOK OR KNOWN THE LYRICS TO A DR. HOOK SONG.
14. ...THE EMBOSSED NUMBERS, PARTICULARLY THE O'S, 6's AND g'S, ON YOUR CORPORATE CREDIT CARD ARE FILLED IN WITH A MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER.
15. ...YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM (ON TOUR) AND YOU DO DRUGS.
16. ...YOU DO DRUGS BEFORE 6 P.M. OR AFTER 6 A.M.
17. ...YOU HATE EVERYBODY. (IF YOU LIKE EVERYBODY, YOU'RE ON ECSTASY AND I'M AGAINST YOU.)
18. ...YOU KNOW THE NAME FOR THE FLESHY CREVICE BETWEEN YOUR THUMB AND INDEX FINGER.
19. ...YOU'VE EVER SAID, "THIS IS MY LAST LINE" OR, CONVERSELY, "WHICH LINE IS THE BIGGEST?"
20. ...YOU INVITE PEOPLE TO STAY AT YOUR HOME WHILE YOU'RE ON DRUGS.
21. ...YOU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WHILE YOU'RE ON DRUGS.
22. ...YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW.
23. ...YOU SAY, "I ONLY DO THIS WHEN IM WITH YOU."
24. ...YOU HAVE YOUR BODYGUARD WATCH THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.
25. ...YOU'RE A GUY AND YOU TALK TO A GIRL WHO HAS A BOYFRIEND FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE SHE HAS DRUGS.
26. ...YOU'RE A CHILD ACTOR.
27. ...IF YOU MAKE THIS INTO A GAME AND DO A LINE EVERY TIME DRUGS ARE MENTIONED, THEN NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN ADDICT BUT YOU MAY BE DEAD.
CONSIDER YOURSELF HOMOSEXUAL IF:
Please note that this list only pertains to guys: All women are by nature lesbians.
1. ...IF YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE'S SPERM ON YOU.
2. ...IF YOU'VE EVER OWNED A SMITHS ALBUM.
3. ...IF YOU GET HARD WHILE SUCKING ANOTHER GUY'S DICK. IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE STRAIGHT- UNLESS HE GETS SPERM ON YOU.
4. ...IF MICHAEL STIPE IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, YOU'RE BISEXUAL.
5. ...IF YOU'RE AT A GAY BAR, YOU'RE NOT GAY. BUT IF YOU'RE AT A STRAIGHT BAR AND YOU TALK TO ANOTHER GUY LONGER THAN YOU TALK TO A GIRL, YOU'RE GAY.
6. ...IF YOU TAP YOUR FEET TO A SMITHS SONG.
7. ...IF YOU DISCUSS ART FOR MORE THAN 45 MINUTES.
8. ...IF YOU'VE EVER WORN A BERET.
9. ...IF YOU KISS A GUY AND HE HAS A HARD-ON, YOU'RE NOT GAY UNLESS YOU HAVE A HARD-ON TOO.
10. ...IF YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX-WITH A MALE OR A FEMALE TO THE SMITHS, YOU'RE GAY.
11. ...IF YOUR ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO GET GIRLS PREGNANT SO THEY CAN HAVE MORE GIRLS TO HAVE LESBIAN SEX TOGETHER.
12. ...IF YOU JACK OFF AND YOU GET CUM ON YOURSELF
13. ...IF YOU GET A BONER WATCHING Gilligan's Island.
14. ....IF YOU DON'T GET A BONER WATCHING Bewitched.
15. ....IF THERE'S A SMITHS SONG ON IN A BAR AND YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR DICK IN YOUR HAND.
16. ...IF YOUR NAME IS RICHARD AND YOU GO BY DICK.
17. ...IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE NAMED DICK.
18. ...IF YOU DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU'RE ONLY USING HER AS A PROP TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE NOT GAY
19. ...IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH A MODEL.
20. ...IF YOU FUCK A GIRL WHO LIKES THE SMITHS.
21. ...IF YOU DON'T EAT MEAT BECAUSE THE SMITHS ALBUM Meat is Murder HAD AN IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE.
22. ...IF YOU DO ANYTHING SPIRITUAL.
23. ...IF YOU FUCK A PREGNANT WOMAN AND SHE'S CARRYING A BOY, YOU'RE GAY. IF YOU GET SPERM ON THE AMNIOTIC SAC, THE BABY WILL GROW UP TO BE GAY TOO.
24. ...IF YOU'VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT LIKE MORRISSEX.
25. ...IF YOU'VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT WHILE A MORRISSEY OR SMITHS ALBUM WAS PLAXING IN THE ROOM.
26. ...IF YOU'VE EVER TALKED ABOUT OR OWNED A CRYSTAL. ESPECIALLY IF IT'S CRYSTAL METH.
27. ...IF YOU'VE EVER PUT BAND-AIDS ON YOUR NIPPLES AS A FASHION STATEMENT.
28. ...IF YOU'VE EVER SPENT MORE THAN A WEEK ON SOUTH BEACH.
29. ...IF YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW.
30. ...IF YOU STILL LIKED JUDAS PRIEST AFTER YOU HEARD THE RUMOUR THAT ROB HALFORD WAS GAY.
31. ...IF YOU GET A HARD-ON WHILE TAKING A SHIT.
32. ...IF YOU KNOW WHAT SPERM TASTES LIKE (ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR OWN).
33. ...IF YOU KISS A GIRL WITH TONGUE AFTER SHE'S SWALLOWED YOUR CUM.
34. ...IF YOU GET HARD WHILE READING THIS.
35. ...IF YOU KNOW THE NAMES OF ANYONE WHO'S EVER BEEN IN THE SMITHS BESIDES MORRISSEY AND JOHNNY MARR.
36. ...IF YOU'RE A MALE MODEL.
37. ...IF YOU GET CHOKED UP LISTENING TO "BOYS DON'T CRy" BY THE CURE.
38. ...IF YOU'RE A CLOTHING DESIGNER.
THE RULES ON CHEATING.
I can honestly say I've never cheated on my girlfriend. And that's because I play by the rules, which are listed below for your use and edification.
1. ...YOU CAN SQUEEZE FAKE TITS BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY REAL, SO YOU'RE NOT CHEATING.
2. ...IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER THEIR NAME IT DOESN'T COUNT.
3. ...IF YOU DON'T CALL THEM AFTERWARD IT DOESN'T COUNT.
4. ...BLOW JOBS DON'T COUNT — THEY'RE LIKE HANDSHAKES AND AUTOGRAPHS.
5. ...IF YOU CUDDLE, YOU'RE CHEATING.
6. ...IF YOU ARE IN A TIME ZONE THAT IS AHEAD OF THE TIME ZONE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS IN, USE THE FOLLOWING EQUATION TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU'VE CHEATED: LET x BE THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO COUNTRIES AND LET y BE THE NUMBER OF HOURS THAT HAVE ELAPSED SINCE YOU SLEPT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. IF YOU TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND y<x,THEN YOU HAVEN'T CHEATED BECAUSE IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET. IF y>x, YOU CHEATED.
7. ...IF YOU ARE IN EUROPE, CANADA, SOUTH AMERICA OR JAPAN, YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE IS NOT VALID. SO YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ANYONE YOU WANT.
8. ...IF YOU FUCK SOMEONE THE NIGHT BEFORE SEEING YOUR GIRLFRIEND, IT'S OKAY BECAUSE IT'S JUST PRACTICE TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T PREMATURELY EJACULATE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND
9. ...IF IT WAS PART OF A PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, IT DOESN'T COUNT
10. IF YOU'RE DOING IT TO HELP YOUR CAREER, IT DOESN'T COUNT. BUT IF SHE THINKS YOU CAN HELP HER CAREER, THEN YOU'RE CHEATING.
11. IF YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF A GIRL THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAD A ONE- NIGHT STAND WITH, THEN YOU CHEATED BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT MORE THAN THE PERSON WHO GOT LAID DID. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, THIS JUST MAKES YOU DESPERATE AND COUNTS AS ONE CHEAT AGAINST YOUR FUTURE GIRLFRIEND.
12. IF IT'S SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY, IT DOESN'T COUNT (ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR OWN).
13. IF THE GIRL HAS A TATTOO WITH YOUR NAME ON IT, THEN IT'S JUST COMMON COURTESY TO HAVE SEX WITH HER.
14. IF YOU HAVE ANAL SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE IT'S NOT COITUS.
15. IF SHE HAS THE SAME NAME AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, IT'S NOT CHEATING — OR IF THE FIRST LETTER OF HER NAME IS THE SAME. IF NEITHER OF THESE APPLY, SPRITZ HER WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FAVORITE SCENT BEFORE HAVING SEX AND YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
16. IF YOU TELL THEM YOU RESPECT THEM IN THE MORNING AND MEAN IT, YOU'RE GAY.
YOU ARE READING
short writings
Randomwhatever i write pointlessly or just like, i store here. if it has a ⭐️ it means it's my favourite thing ive wrote :3
