short writings

slap ⭐️

i want to leave as soon as i can. i think i was born with a suitcase. however i am trapped here, surrounded by my many belongings. i've remembered my childhood as a long wish to be elsewhere, wherever i appeared. one day, i could realise that the rock im hanging on to is attached to nothing, and is about to fall into the deep deep nothing below. all of my air smells like rain and my breath breathes the sound of silence. i wonder sometimes, what people would react with if i died. would they cry? sigh? swallow more of the drink that they're holding? subconsciously, i know some people care about me. it's just the fact that those who are responsible for me care, but don't enforce that. ever. i don't know why i'm treated like this when i remembered. i remembered everything and i'm treated like this. how do i tell people i remember in a way that makes their head and their organs ache in the way that mine do? i'll never forget how unimportant i've felt, it doesn't matter how beautifully i'm treated. permanently, i know everything. i hate that i'm still hoping things will turn around and not slap, but stroke my face tenderly and tell me that they're sorry. every time they say something nice to me, i hang onto that moment for weeks, months. i try to recreate it so they say something nice again, but to no avail. it was a one off. i am a one off. i am different to everybody in their eyes, but in mine they're different to me. one day i will finally realise it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are too heavy. wanting to feel wanted is the loneliest and most dehumanising feeling ever. i hope one day i can allow myself to make peace with myself. i know it's not really my fault that i'm treated this way by those who are supposed to care for me, but sometimes i wonder if it's just because of how i am. sometimes i click and i understand that the case might be that i am not a mess, but a deeply feeling person in a messy world.
i cannot make anybody understand. i cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. i can't even properly explain it to myself. i feel like i have nothing left to offer to them except my own confusion, and in return i get dirt.