Corbin

The Walk

Seconds passed but they took what felt like an eternity to do so. My breathing became shallow, my head light and I could feel lactic acid building up in my being to the point that I began to feel like I was on fire. I longed to cry out in pain from the cramped conditions, but it was like I told myself that if I made a single noise, all hell could break loose. I could also feel that Winter was becoming more and more panicky. Her chest was pounding and her fingers were trembling against mine. I wanted to tell her that everything would be alright, that it would be just a few minutes more and we'd be out of the barn and everything would be back to how it had been but I wasn't sure that would be true.

Eventually, though, I could take it no longer and I put my head next to Winter's ear.

"It's okay," I whispered, my voice barely audible what with my dry mouth and the sounds of the planes, "just a few moments more."

And that, I like to believe, was what did it. Because from that moment on, the rumble of plane engines got fainter and fainter.

I stayed where I was, wondering briefly if the lack of noise was actually because I had gone deaf and not because our nightmare was over. But moments later, Silver Fox came creeping out from a pile of hay and crawled over to us.

"Come on buddy, let's get you up," he reached a hand out to me, tugging me out from under the wood beams along with Winter, "you too princess."

Milly came rushing over, "Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are my precious ones okay?"

I looked at Winter, seeing her fearful eyes and the tear tracks down her cheeks, "We're okay, we just need a moment or two."

"Actually bud you might need more than that," Fox nodded to my shoulder, "that looks pretty deep."

I looked at my shoulder in confusion and noticed for the first time a large gash from where a rusty nail had dragged through my skin when squeezing amongst the wood beams for safety. Adrenaline from the situation fading, pain began to set in and I winced.

"Come on then, you lot," Pete ran a tired hand over his scalp, "let's head back up to the house. Josh, you and Tom can head for the bathroom with the first aid kit, Mills and I will make sure Winter's okay and sort breakfast. Hot drinks all round I reckon, with plenty of sugar... heaven knows we need it."

Ten minutes later I leaned against the bathroom sink, my pyjama shirt already soaking in a bath of cold water and salt to get the blood out, courtesy of Milly. Silver Fox stood opposite me, waiting for me to finish cleaning my wound so he could wrap a bandage around it. Neither of us had spoken a word.

"I'm really sorry Josh," Fox broke the silence between us, "Truly, I am. I thought you'd be safe here."

I nodded slowly, "I thought so too."

"I guess war is coming to the whole world..." Silver Fox handed me a fresh cloth.

I dunked it in the water filled sink and held it tight against my shoulder, biting back the pain, "I just don't know what to do. Winter is my world. But nothing I can do means a thing when the literal world is set to fall to pieces. How can I do it? How can I fix the world for her?"

Fox scuffed his foot on the floor, "I don't know man."

I sighed and let the cloth fall back into the sink before reaching for the roll of fresh bandage.

Silver Fox stretched his arm across to pass it to me, "They're recruiting in town."

I laughed but the sound was hollow, "You think the way to fix the world is to go to war in it?"

Fox's eyes met mine, they were stern but etched with care, "No. But I do think that this war is happening no matter what. And you saw from just a bomb scare what the reality. We as individuals are powerless against it. Not to hurt you... but if that really had been planes dropping bombs, no amount of holding your sister tight would actually save either of you. Maybe the only way to get that safe world you so desperately want for her, is to risk you not being right there in it."

Silver Fox's words gnawed at me all through breakfast. I tried my best to smile for Winter's sake, to give her some comfort from the morning's events but my attempts felt pitiful now. Was he right? Was the world really in such a state that the only true way to give Winter the safety I had hoped to was to tear away the safety net I had been stringing together ever since Mother passed? It didn't seem fair. Though if there was one thing life had reminded me of regularly throughout my time so far, it was that life is never fair. And so that afternoon I found myself joining Fox on the walk to town... the walk to enlist.

That evening, when we returned, Silver Fox and I were wearing our first ever army uniforms. Milly started to cry. Pete had a stoic look in his eye, a silent sadness and admiration that we were taking up a baton he had carried not all that many years before. Winter ran towards me, colliding full pelt with my chest.

"What's going on, Yosha?" she whimpered, "I don't understand."

"Hey, hey, hey," I patted her back as soothingly as I could, "It's okay. Let's go take a walk, alright?"

She pulled back from me, eyes looking up at me with uncertainty, "Okay."

I took her hand in mine and led her out into the cool evening air. The weather would soon turn bitterly cold like it did every night at this time of year, so as much as I struggled to find my words, I knew I had to get to the point.

I cleared my throat, "Little Cub?"

"Yes Yosha?" Winter gazed up at me as I looked at the stars, trying to hold back tears.

"I'm going to have to go away for a while," I said quietly.

She stopped dead in her tracks, "But... but why? You can't go... you can't leave me."

My heart shattered in an instant and tears were no longer able to be held back as I looked at the face I'd tried so hard to save from more heart ache.

"I'm sorry Winter, the world just isn't safe anymore. You mean more than life to me. But that's no good if there is no life left to be had. I need to make the world safe again and I can't do it alone. Do you understand?" I gazed into her watery blue eyes.

"I don't know," Winter sniffled, "I want to, but I can't."

My knees almost gave way beneath me – how could an almost five year old be expected to understand war when even I couldn't – , "I know, little Cub, I know. This was never how it was supposed to go."

I scooped her up into my arms and gently wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"If you go..." Winter's voice trembled, "you'll come back to me, right?"

"Of course," I choked back my tears, "Of course, I could never leave my little Cub for long."

Winter was silent as she settled her head on my shoulder.

"I love you Winter," I squeezed her to me, "and guess what?"

"What?" she whispered, her fingers softly tugging the long strands of my hair as she yawned and her eyes started to close.

"You know how you always love looking out the window for Corbin and gazing at the stars to see Mama?" I whispered back as I turned towards the house and started to walk again.

"Yeah?"

"Well where I'm going, I'll be able to look up at the stars too. So if you ever get sad that I'm too far away, just know that I'm close enough to gaze at them with you, okay?" I held her tighter again as the farmhouse lights came into view.

"Okay," she replied, yawning again, "And Yosha?"

"Yes Winter?"

"I love you too."

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