Twenty-Four Hours || k.hj

san

San,

Finally the last letter. We broke up about six months ago now, and we were only together half as long, but you were my first love, and I was yours.

This letter is for my own self more than it is a message to you.

It makes me smile to think of our time together. Even though it was short, many years of experience and growth happened. My therapist recommended I write an autobiography: the chapter about our relationship is titled "Sun on my Skin." That's what it was like: sunshine.

When I confessed to you, it's funny that I was nervous; I already knew you liked me. But then, that same day, you said you loved me. It wasn't until a week later that I fell in love with you, too.

I smiled and laughed all the time. Yeosang says that you "unlocked" a new laugh within me. I guess it was the laugh of first love.

I learned about humanity and myself. I learned more about what it means to live and exist, so I want to thank you for that.

In my memory, our last happy day was that last time I went over to your house, the time we made a meal together and you showed me movies you liked and we took photos in the golden hour.

After that - I don't know - things became different. I was out of the country for two weeks, your dad became ill, and the magic of new love was wearing off from me. I was still in love with you when my depression seeped back to the surface, but I know I was hurting you.

When we video called, a week before breaking up, I saw your face. The face of one who knew it had to end.

It's strange, though, you didn't break my heart at all. I was in love when we broke up; shouldn't it have been more painful? It only hurt for a day; I suppose that is because I did agree with you. I knew breaking up was good.

I didn't know how vulnerable to be with you. I didn't want to share my troubles with you, and in the months since, I've realized why. (But I still think it would've been useless to explain my depressed thoughts over and over again.)

Before we were together, I would pray for someone to pull me from the pit of my distress. I no longer wish to be saved. If I am to heal, it will be of my own accord. You taught me that no one can save me, and that is extremely freeing.

I saw you last week, the final of three times since we parted; I respect you as a person, and I thank you for our relationship, but, finally, I am sure I do not feel anything for you.

I fell in love, and it helped me learn about myself and humanity. But in the end, love was useless unless I knew and loved myself.

All the best in life,

Your first love