The Rockmore House

19 | Change

"I don't think I'm ever going to find Michelle. And I don't think you will either," Liz stated calmly. "Even if I did find her at this point, who knows what she's been through. I think the best option would be to prevent her from traveling back to 1969 with me in the first place."

"Okay, so you want me to go to the night before Thanksgiving in 1993 and make sure you stay home?" This was an idea that had crossed my mind, too. It seemed straightforward enough.

"No, I still want to see the Stones," she insisted. "And I want you to go with me instead of Michelle."

While that prospect gave me little thrill of excitement, it seemed to overcomplicate a task that should have been pretty simple. "Okay, but why? Was it really that great?"

"It was that great." She gazed out the window and a dreamy smile softened her face. "I know it sounds stupid, but my life won't be the same if I don't go. There are things from this part of my life that I'd like to stay the same. I still want to go back in time, but I want to be able to return to my regular life in between, with my family intact. And if it doesn't work out that way, if I don't get to see the things I've seen and do the things I've done, I'll never know the difference, will I? All I know is that I can't spend the rest of my life like this," she gestured from her black and white housekeeping uniform to her rumpled twin bed, "and I can't go back to my real life without Michelle. I'd never be able to face my parents and I'd never be able to live with myself."

"Aren't you afraid you'd mess up the future in some other way if you keep it up? If I were you, I'd stay far, far away from all this time travel stuff."

"You almost were me, and yet here you are again," she pointed out.

"True," I cringed self-consciously. "At least this time I came on purpose. It happened to me twice in two weeks, accidentally. And I've done that reversing time thing that you can do, but I didn't do that on purpose either. At least I don't think so. On top of all that, I have horrible nightmares. My anxiety is through the freaking roof lately. Honestly, I wish it would all go away."

A breath of cold air crept through the failing seals around the window. I shivered and pulled the collar of my coat tighter around my neck. Part of me couldn't believe I had actually come willingly, knowing the risks.

"I guess I'm surprised you want to keep traveling to the past after what happened with Michelle, and what could have happened to me."

And then I had a rare moment of clarity, where I knew exactly what I wanted, even though it was probably impossible.

"I would give just about anything to be normal again and forget that any of this ever happened. And to forget about him, too. I don't want him in my head anymore." I took a staccato breath and exhaled slowly to keep from crying. "It's only fair, right? If he's probably already forgotten about me?"

"That's stupid." Liz rolled her eyes and huffed a short sigh. "I understand why you'd want to forget him, and you're right, it's not fair. But everything else? I don't think you're considering the potential in what we can do."

"That's part of what I hate about it. All of that potential to change things for the better. I feel guilty about everything that's bad in the world, because I have this ability to go back and possibly change things, and I just...haven't. I wouldn't know where to start and I'm too scared to try."

"You can't fix everything. I can't either. And sadly, it's probably not a good idea to try."

"I know. So, I'd be perfectly fine with trying to help you and then never doing this again." I rubbed my bleary eyes. The sky outside was darkening quickly and there was still work to do. I retrieved another caffeine pill and washed it down with lukewarm Ovaltine. "So tell me exactly what you want me to do."