Pahimakas

VII

To my greatest love,

Hi, Aris. This might be the last letter I wrote for you . . . As the flower continue blooming, I know you also is. It's hard to continue life without you, but I'm slowly accepting that maybe in the first place there wasn't 'us'. We just thought that there is so that we can hold onto something that is impossible.

I hope one day . . . the tides will push me back to you, and in that moment, we can fulfill our promise that we chose to bury in the past.

- Colin

***

For our seventh day in staying here in Baguio, we decided to go to church since it is Sunday. I am now ready, and when I saw her went out to her room, I immediately beam.

Stunning indeed. She set off a light in my heart.

"Tara na?" Pagyaya niya.

Agad akong tumango at sabay kaming naglakad na dalawa ni Aris. Pumunta kami kung saan naka parking ang sasakyan ko. Nang makarating kami ay agad ko siyang pinagbuksan ng pintuan sa passenger seat.

I seat on the driver seat while she's beside me. I started the engine and start driving, we are going to church. Marami nang tao pagkarating naming ngunit hindi pa nagsisimula. When we reach the church, we worship God together and pray.

Lord, I prayed that you'll look after her, please don't let the sadness overcome her. Let her feel the happiness she deserves even if we aren't together already. I just want to her to live her life well, because she deserves it God. I humbly ask this is Jesus name, Amen.

***

Sa ikawalong araw natin na magkasama nag-aya kang maligo sa ulan. I want to refuse at first since I don't want you to catch a cold, but I remembered you are Aris, more stubborn than me.

Hinila na niya ako at nakikita ko kung gaano kaganda ang mga ngiti niya habang naliligo kaming dalawa sa ulan. Hinawakan ko ang kan'yang kamay at tumatakbo kaming dalawa. Nakita ko ang pagkurba nang labi niya.

Pagkatapos naming magtakbuhan na tila ba pinakiramdaman ang ulan ay naisip kong isayaw siya sa ilalim ng ulan.

"Can you please imagine as if there's a song playing?" I asked her.

She slowly nodded and closed her eyes; I did the same. We kept on dancing beneath the rain.

Remembering the first moment we had together. I remember the things perfectly because that's how I loved you-not by telling you white lies and verbally affirming you all the time, but by quietly noticing the little things that made you happy and saving them to make you feel reassured and cared for without you realizing it.

"Tatlong araw na lang . . ." She whispered between our dances.

We only have three days. I looked up in the sky without minding that the rain kept on pouring in my face. I slowly closed my eyes. Like a little kid wishing for something impossible, I wish for time to stop for a while so I and the girl I love can spend more time together.

"Let's spend our three days more memorable, okay?" I assured her even though my heart is torn pieces by pieces.

She smiled upon what I said, feels like a sunshine flooded her soul in the middle of the rain.

"I don't want this to end," that words, crash me.

Like her, in this beautiful moment, I don't want this to end. I want to be selfish even one time in my life and defy them.

"Kung pwede lang hindi matapos ito . . ." Rinig ko ang mahihinang paghikbi niya. Natigil kami sa pagsasayaw, ang hirap pala talaga. Kung kailan handa na sana kami, 'saka naman hindi na pwede. "Gusto kong sarili ko naman muna, ngunit bakit nakikita ko na naman ang sarili kong inuuna ang iba."

"Pwede naman tayong tumanggi, Aris," I convinced her.

I am caressing her back because she's breathing heavily.

"Siguro 'pag malakas na ang p-puso ko, kapag kaya na nito," said Aris while pointing her chest.

She responded to what I said in a way that was progressively crushing the core of my being. I don't want to stop trying for her. I never anticipated experiencing greater hurt than I had ever experienced. I believe I cried all the tears I had inside due to the excruciating pain.

Men shouldn't cry, as the saying goes since it reveals their weakness. No, males experienced feelings and anguish, and they wept when the pain became intolerable.

The raindrops from heaven keep on pouring, as if hearing the pain and agony that I and the woman I love so much are going through. The sound of the rain sounds like a cry for our broken souls.

Ngunit alam ko, at kahit masakit, ang desisyon naming na pakawalan ang isa't-isa ay magbibigay ng kabutihan sa iba.

Love isn't just about clinging to each other and showing affection for one another; occasionally, love also involves taking care of others. We value making sacrifices for others' happiness because true love demands giving up things and making compromises. We have a love that is worth taking a chance on and giving up for.

Even though we previously realized that, we nevertheless experience suffering and must continue to live with it. We simply accepted it because we were confident that God would soon work a miracle. We both have faith that God will arrange for us to cross paths once more in the future.

We decided to watch the sunset together in the next afternoon, hoping that it would bring us a better tomorrow despite all our sacrifices. I look at Aris; the sun is kissing her beautiful face. The trees are dancing with the wind; the wind can also serve as beautiful music, which is why the trees and flowers are dancing to its beat. I take out my DSLR and photograph her against the stunning scenery that we are both admiring.

"Tongco, do you love sunsets?" Aris suddenly asked me.

"I love you more than those beautiful sunsets, Lopez," I said, my voice full of emotion.

For the second that had passed, she was unable to speak; instead, she kept her gaze fixed on the beautiful scenery visible over the horizon. I couldn't help but think back on it all as the sunset strengthened the memories it was evoking. The sunset that had been the backdrop to innumerable tales we had shared in the past.

I'm not sure what reminded her of the sunset or what memories it brings her, but one thing is certain: the look she's giving with the sunset is irreplaceable.

Beat.

She suddenly looked at me with a smile on her lips like a beautiful flower that suddenly bloomed, and she didn't mind that our time together almost lasted like the sunset we are watching right now.

"I love you more than those beautiful sunsets too, Tongco."

In the midst of our almost-end, with the sunset, which many people believe that it is associate with the end, but for me, it heralds a bright future.