The Hurt Game

❧ fifty-five

More tears fell from my eyes. My vision blurred, but he was as clear as day. His head was raised, but his whole face crumbled. This was the one of the few times I had ever seen him cry. However this time I was the reason. It was my fault. I was breaking his heart into tiny pieces.

He bowed his head as he wiped the tears from his eyes. The dark brown curls, which almost looked black from the shower, fell on his forehead. He shook his head and his hair bounced around with him till they fell back in place. I used to like his hair better this way, wet and untamed. It made him look a little more carefree and I liked that side of him.

I wanted to walk up to him, to take back my words, but I shouldn't. This would be better for the both of us. We could heal and when the time was right, we would get back together. It didn't have to be difficult.

Slowly Royden lifted his head. He swallowed visibly when his eyes met mine. My breath was caught in my throat. His dark brown eyes were shiny with tears, but they held the same empty look as when I had met him.

My heart shattered into tiny pieces. This was all my fault.

"Say something," I whispered. I couldn't bear the silence anymore. "Please."

He shook his head as a tear ran down his face. "What do you want me to say, Wave?" he quietly asked.

"Anything," I cried out.

"I-I don't know what-what you want me to say... or do," he replied. Royden never truly stumbled over his words. He was confident, sometimes arrogant, but he never stammered.

I looked at him and threw up my hands, running them through my hair. Tears continued to stream down my face mercilessly. "I want you to argue. Say I'm stupid to say to this, stupid to have even thought about it. Say... I want you to fight back, to fight for what we have, for what we made. Tell me I'm crazy for thinking about leaving you, about breaking up with you. I just want you to say something."

"I love you," he said, the one thing he might not should have said, but the one thing I needed to hear.

My shoulders slumped. My eyes closed as tears never stopped flowing. A rush of relief shot through me. He still loved me. It was a reminder of how we maybe could built a life after we recovered. I exhaled slowly as my eyes fluttered open again, locking on his dark ones.

He walked up to me and cupped my cheeks in his hands. His thumbs, rough from work yet always so gentle, wiped the tears from my cheekbones, catching the falling ones. He leaned forward and pressed a sweet kiss to my forehead. He released a shuddering breath as he pulled away to look in my eyes again.

"But I can't tell you those things," he continued speaking. I can't ask you to stay with me. You're not safe with me, Wave. And no matter how much I want you to stay by my side or how big my love is for you... I can't make you stay. You deserve better than to live your life in fear. You don't deserve to worry about me coming home. I don't deserve you. I cannot treat you right. I get mad at the most stupidest things and... You deserve better. You deserve every good fucking thing in life and I am not going to be the one to withhold you from that. You have so much potential and such a fucking bright future. I love you, but... I'm not right for you."

Tears fell from his eyes. He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes for a moment. I watched him breathe, watched him gather himself. He was one of the strongest people I knew, one of the most complicated people I knew. But I fell in love with him, because he gave me so much more than any person had ever given me.

How could he say I didn't deserve him?

"Roy," I whispered.

He opened his eyes and bit on his lip. "There was only one person in this entire world who I ever listened, before I met you, and that was my mother." One of his hands wrapped around my neck while the other came around my waist. He pulled me closer to him. "She told me that if I ever found a girl who I loved with everything in me, with my entire soul... I should cherish her and love her right and hold her close to me. But that when it comes down to it, if it needed to happen, I would have to let her go. That if I love her, I gotta let her."