The Hurt Game

❧ fifty-four

A large white wall. It stretched out farther than my eyes were able to see. Grey shapes are portrayed on that white wall. They were blurry and odd, and each of them were different.

Some were the kindest and loveliest images I could see. They made me smile and reminisce about the good times. They were haunting. They were imprinted on the brain. They were too good to be true, too good to last for a lifetime. That must be the haunting part; the fact you knew those moments could never become a truth that lasted longer than yourself.

Dark brown eyes were twinkling down at me, concentrated on me. They shone and were brighter than I had ever seen them before. The sun must make them look that way, because the sun always made dark brown eyes seem to shine. They would always have that dark, mysterious glint, but one that was comforting at the same time.

The eyes stared at me with such a deep sense of love and admiration, they hypnotized me. My heart pumped and almost burst from my chest. Nobody had ever looked at me in that way.

And that little yet bright smile. Little crinkles curled around the corners of his mouth. The smile reached his eyes, making them crinkle slightly. He admired me.

His hand reached out to run through my hair. His eyes never left mine till my eyes fluttered close. I could feel his fingers tangle in my hair before touching my scalp, messaging gently.

Not a second later his lips were pushed against mine. They were soft, plump. They captured mine perfectly. The smile was still there, planted on my lips and I couldn't help but smile. Then he moved his lips against mine, kissing me passionately. My heartbeat quickened, my palms became sweaty and my mind went silent.

I opened my eyes and everything faded. His lips on my lips, his hands tangled in my hair, the admiration in his eyes, the smile on his lips. An ache shot through my heart. It bored a hole in my chest, leaving a gap seeming impossible to be filled.

Many people in my life always told me the right person could fill this gap. I always believed them. I wanted to believe them, but what happens when the right person was the reason for that hole to be there? What if nobody else could fill it? What if there was no such as the right person?

These daydreams were frighteningly real. They were reflected as something I could reach, something I could touch. But it faded when I was almost there. It was ripped out of my hands. Now I was left with a longing, a desire so strong I wasn't even sure if it could ever be fulfilled.

A soft sigh escaped my lips and I closed my eyes again. Everything was dark. Light had evaporated into thin air. Even though the dark was chilling, almost depressing, it brought me comfort. I couldn't see anything, not even the images. It was a dark, silent place.

Laughter filled my ears. It was the kind of laughter after being told a silly, stupid joke. It changed to playful tones when there was something to made fun of. The husky voices during intimate moments. The raspy voices after a long night of sleep. They made me smile, feel warm on the inside. They were the ones I wanted to hold close to my heart, because they brought such good memories with them. Yet there was also screaming and crying, cracked voices and fear in them. They were there, far away, but there. I couldn't keep ignoring them.

My eyes opened as pressure built up behind them. Because this was no dream. This was no fantasy or story my mother used to read to me when I was a child. This was my reality, my life. The smiles and love-struck gazes, the laughter and screaming, they had been part of my life with Royden.

I tilted my head to the side and reached for my phone lying on the coffee table. I lit up my lockscreen, seeing Royden's face tucked in my neck while I was staring straight at the camera with a grin on my face. It was one of my favourite photos we had ever taken.