Invited to his first Thanksgiving dinner, Lt. Data joins his friends aboard the Enterprise, but his reason for expressing his appreciation is, to the bewilderment of his colleagues, a little hard to swallow.
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Dinner was, to say the least, scrumptious, but before proceeding to dessert, one by one, they were expressing the special reasons for which they should be grateful.
The only one left was Data.
"Data, is there something you would like to give thanks for?" Geordi asked.
"Of course! This morning, when running my auto-scan, I noted that 2,132.12 days have gone by without having to recalibrate my positronic circuits. Also, the sensory network matrix-"
"No, Data," Wesley interrupted, "he's referring to you as a person."
"When he says, person," the captain continued, gesturing with his hand as if searching for words, "it means if you recount something of an individual nature."
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Data didn't understand. His scanning protocols were most individual.
"What the captain is referring to," Troi added, "is how have your relationships with humans been?"
"Oh, I understand," Data said, then standing up.
"I want to thank all my companions for helping me cultivate my relationships with humans," Data was saying with a pleasant smile, "but in particular, for a kind of relationship I hadn't experienced before."
Lieutenant Yar's eyes widened, and she froze observing Data, guessing what was about to come out of his mouth.
"I am referring to," Data continued, "Lieutenant Yar's relationship of a sexual nature with me.
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Worf coughed as a piece of kohvdra fruit got stuck in his throat! Wesley looked around at everyone in the room to see if they also understood what he had just heard.
The captain was completely speechless with no chance to stop the situation. Riker was smiling in amusement and disbelief.
"Data, no!" Geordi exclaimed.
"Yes! It is possible. My anatomy is fully functional and capable of responding to the sexual approaches of a female in heat."
"Data," said the captain, his voice broken with shame and guilt, "you don't know the position you've placed the lieutenant in."
"I do, Sir. In fact, there were several positions," said the dummy of infamies, "even the one that she requested of 'six and nine' he said, gesturing quotation marks with both hands "I assume the name is derived by the gesture of reciprocating..."
"Data!! How could you?!" Troi demanded as she patted a purple Worf on the back.
"It wasn't difficult, Counselor. Considering my unusual superior weight, I just allowed the lieutenant to remain on top."
Tasha was looking at Data with her tight lips and her gaze was like daggers threatening the very existence of the mechanical being, son of the devil.
Dr. Crusher tried not to spit out the mouthful of wine she had in her mouth by covering it with her hand.
At that moment, bubbles of wine gushed from between the doctor's fingers. Riker was laughing like a madman. Geordi La Forge thought it was a good time to do a structural analysis with his visor of any point on the ceiling.
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"Lieutenant Data," the captain said, his face covered by his hands, "this dinner is officially over. You may retire."
"Yes, sir," Data said, but not before taking a small plate of scraps that he had saved for his cat, Spot, thanking once more with a nod: "Tasha!"
Wesley tried, as usual, to lighten the situation:
"Tasha."
She turned to Wesley, with eyes blazing with rage.
"You shouldn't be ashamed. I mean, if there was an android on board that looked like you, I would do her, too."
Dr. Crusher passed out on the table.
"This information," Piccard said, as soon as Data left and still not looking up, "will never leave this room."
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