Loss of Feelings | ✓

Chapter 37

Chapter 37

Buong gabi na umiyak si North habang katabi ako. Para siyang bata na hindi mapatahan. Kada banggit n'ya ng pasensya ay lalong lumalalim ang sama ng loob ko sa sarili ko.

I felt bad for making him feel that I was ready to give him up. Pero sa mga oras na 'yon, sukong-suko na talaga ako. Nagkakasakitan na lang kami. Hindi na maganda na kahit palagi naman n'yang pinapaalala sa 'kin na ako na ang mahal n'ya, iba pa rin ang tingin ng iba.

"Nahihiya na ako sa 'yo, hindi mo naman dapat ito pinagdadaanan," paos na anas ni North habang nakasandal ang kan'yang ulo sa aking balikat.

I looked at him and held his face using my right hand. Tinanggal ko ang bakas ng mga luha sa kan'yang pisngi. Ikaw ang hindi dapat dumaranas ng ganito, North. I should be more confident that you love me because you never made me feel inadequate.

Pero gano'n din naman noon si Leand sa 'kin. He made me feel that he wouldn't cheat. He actually didn't. Yet, I was certain it was still a betrayal.

"Maybe we should publicize our relationship," suhestiyon ko. "Kaya naman malakas ang loob ng iba na sabihin na si ano pa rin dahil hindi ako nagsasalita. But then, okay lang ba sa 'yo? It could receive backlash. . ."

I was ready for the cruel words. Ayoko lang na kami ang nagtatago ni North dahil sa opinyon ng iba. Kung sakali na ayaw talaga nila sa 'kin, at least alam nilang ako ang girlfriend. Ako ang inuuwian. Ako ang nandito para kay North. They could spit all the words out but in the end— North chooses me.

That should suffice for now.

"I'll contact Rhi," he kissed me on my temple. "Matagal ko na rin naman dapat itong ginawa. . ."

We were just waiting for each other's approval. Mas mahalaga ang opinyon namin kaysa sa management n'ya. At s'yempre, kumunsulta pa rin kami sa mga kabanda n'ya kung okay lang ba. I saw North texting them and explaining why we want to publicize our relationship. Hindi naman binanggit si Barbara dahil hindi naman siya ang puno't dulo nito. She was part of it, unfortunately. But she's not really to be blamed.

Enoch: FINALLY. Lahat babanggain talaga! Sila ang gigiba. 🤣

Naiara: Oo naman?! Walang kaso sa 'kin! Kahit ako na mismo mag-announce e.

Kile: k cge.

"Wala talagang kwentang kausap si Kile," I snickered but eventually I found a tiny smile forming on my lips.

They're really supportive of us. Kaya naman no'ng nasaktan ko si North noon, naiintindihan ko kung bakit sila nainis sa 'kin. I should be more open to them about what I really feel.

Pumayag na rin si Rhi dahil saktong may ilalabas daw na lyric video para sa isang kanta ng Anagapesism mamaya. It would stir the crowd, she speculated. It was hitting two birds with one stone.

I prepared myself for the worst. I deactivated my accounts, I told my family and friends where to find me or contact me for the meantime. I instilled scripts in my mind in case someone asked me what the real score was. I practiced my expressions if asked what it felt like being hidden for so long. But fuck it, even being in controlled wasn't possible for me.

"Ipaglalaban mo talaga si North?" tanong ni Marah habang nagkukwentuhan kami. We were video-calling. Nasa kwarto siya ngayon, mukhang may tinatapos na gawain dahil kita ko ang pag-angat baba ng kan'yang kamay na may hawak na ballpen.

"Hindi n'ya ako sinukuan e, kaya anong karapatan ko na sukuan siya?"

"Miye. . ." Marah sighed. "I applaud your conviction. Pero kasi. . ."