Fake Reality

03.Royanna and Joe (NC)

I swore I was going to get over him. I promised to my best friend and to myself. I have been trying but it’s just so hard. The more I try to get him out of my mind, the more he constantly stays. It’s frustrating and heart breaking. Ever since I first laid eyes on him, I’ve had this unexplainable feeling deep in my chest. Where the mention of his name makes me smile, where one glance at him and my heart just goes out of control and where I can think about him and me together happily. I could have gone forever, and dream endlessly of him and I together, as a couple. But it’s too much for me. It hurts too much. I always drift off in my perfect imaginary world then I’d come back to this cruel reality.

I just want it so badly. I just want to have someone say that I’m beautiful and mean it. I want someone to look at me, look past my imperfections and say I’m perfect for him. I want to be someone’s dream come true, someone’s one and only. Most importantly I want Joe to be that guy.

But let’s face it. What are the chances of him asking me out? Zero to none I bet you. I’ve lost hope now, tears falling from my eyes because it hurts so much. My best friends always try to give me that hope, to tell me that it’ll happen one day, but it just hurts so much more because I know it won’t happen. When they mention his name, all it does is pinch my heart. I feel like I can’t breathe, like my lungs are going to collapse. I rely on my best friend to change the topic, to block out all the thoughts and emotions. To be able to concentrate on something that would allow me to breathe. It’s enough sometimes, they always make me smile and laugh, but when I get home and I’m alone… well let’s just say I get really thirsty afterwards.

My phone vibrated beside me. I was lying on the spare mattress in the spare room. I was always in here because it was the only room in the house that had strong wifi. I’ve probably been lying here for the past two hours since my mom and sister left to get some groceries. I’ve been waiting for a vibe from one of my friends, no doubt it was one of them that sent me a message.

I sighed. I was so lost in my thoughts that I really didn’t want to get interrupted from it, but at the same time I was thankful because more tears might flow if I didn’t talk to anyone right now.

I looked at the screen and sure enough it was one of my friends.

Hey royyy!

That was what they called me for short. ROY. They could have called me Anna or some other GIRL NAME. But it didn’t really bother me since it was them. If anyone else called me that I’d be pissed but well… it’s them.

Heeeey! I replied.

Can you meet me at the back of the library tomorrow morning?

That wasn’t odd at all. She took the bus to school all the time so me and another friend of mine had to stand there by the back of the library which faced the stairs from the bus stops. She should have known that.

Yea. I always do!

Hihihi. Knew that, just wanted to make sure. Kk bye! Was what she replied.

Okaaay. So much for ‘talking’ to someone. That was odd. But she’s odd and weird in her own way anyway, nothing new there.

I heard the front door open along with the squeal of my little sister. I wiped my eyes and made sure it wasn’t too obvious that I’ve been crying. I smiled at the black screen on my ipod, my eyes still misty, my heart still aching.

Well I hope I get some sleep tonight.

-O-O-O-

I walked to the back of the library with a blank expression on my face. I just felt so tired. I didn’t get enough sleep again last night. I bawled my eyes out all night. Just thinking of the pathetic excuse of a human being I am. My friends tell me I’m wrong, that I shouldn’t be beating myself all the time, but they don’t know how it truly feels. It’s gut wrenching. If I earned a cent for every tear that’s fallen out of my eye I’d be a billionaire, seriously.