YOU

13

We'd been trying for eight months, and every single month when she got her period she would try to hide how sad she was. One month I walked in the bathroom to check on her and she was crumpled on the floor in tears. Holding the negative pregnancy test in her hands. She just looked up at me with so much disappointment on her face.

No one ever tells you that it takes so much time to actually get pregnant. They all just make it seem like one time and you're done. I guess that's why they call it 'trying'.

After yet another disappointing month, she threw herself down on the couch next to me.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." She said trying to hold back tears.

"There's nothing wrong with you, baby" I said putting an arm around her shoulders. "It takes time. Remember what the doctor said? She said you're healthy it just takes time."

She sniffed loudly and leaned her head against my shoulder. "I'm broken"

I pulled her face up towards me and looked her in the eye "You are NOT broken. You're perfect."

"What if I'm too old?" She said looking anywhere but right at me.

"You're 28. You're not too old." I said forcing her to look at me.

"Then what is taking so long? Why can't my body just do this? I'm so frustrated." She said getting incresingly upset the more questions she asked. Her bottom lip started to tremble and I pulled her into a hug.

"Baby...Don't cry. We're going to start a family. We are. I'm disappointed too. I want this just as much as you do."

"Hyunjin's wife had a baby before us." She said fully sobbing at this point. "He just got married last year! And Chan's wife--"

"Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Just because we've been together the longest doesn't always mean we're going to start a family first."

"Obviously" She sniffed loudly. I could tell she was getting tired of constant let downs, in all honesty I was too.

"Wanna go try again?" I asked trying to make her laugh. It didn't work, she just looked up at me with her eyes all red and puffy.

"No." She mumbled.

I kissed her forehead and she laid down in my lap. "It'll happen. I promise, Ember." I said brushing her hair back behind her ear and rubbing her head gently. She just nodded her head silently and didn't say anything.

***

Today was her birthday, and why she decided she had to take another test today, I have no idea. I had just wanted her to be happy today.

"Em, do this tomorrow. Don't ruin your birthday." I said standing in the doorway to the bathroom.

She stood in front of the sink with the stick in her hands and shrugged her shoulders. "Cause I wanna know and get it out of the way. I'm going to be sad either way, Jisung. Might as well." She mumbled closing the door and closing me out of the bathroom. I slid down the wall and sat down outside the door. Nine months. We'd been doing this for nine months. She could have had a baby by now. I threw my head back against the wall and closed my eyes waiting for her to come out crying. Then I'd hug her, tell her I love her, and she'd go about her day trying not to break down in tears.

"Jisung?" I heard her say as I stood up waiting for her to come out.

"What?" I said leaning against the door frame as she opened the door.

"I--I--Am I looking at this right?" She asked opening the door and handing it to me.

"You're aware you just peed on this right?" I asked holding it with two fingers.