Hold On (l.s.)

s i x

hey guys

ik, ik, i took forever with this update

you have permission to hate me though i doubt you will :)

as usual, tw for suicide, extra tw for self harm in the forms of cutting and bruising this chapter, don't risk it if you'll be triggered by it

i love you all, sorry for the wait;

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25th May, 2016

Peckforton Castle
Wedding of Jamie and Rebekah Vardy

"I know, babe. There's paps here, there's no way you could've come. I know. Oh, by the way, Simon's got me set up for another stunt with Dani next week. Love you too, bye."

I wrap up my phone conversation with Harry, sighing as I take my seat next to Danielle,  two rows back from the altar, prepared for the ceremony. I'm in a form-fitting grey button-up, enveloped in a plain black suit with a wide lapel, simple but elegant, as Harry said when he chose it. He wanted to come, and I wanted him here, but management said it would be too risky, as there was going to be at least a few paps.

Sometimes I'm tempted to outright defy them, but I know the payout wouldn't be worth it. I could lose everything, or worse, Harry could lose everything. His career and music mean the world to him, and I could never imagine him in any other job. Over what, coming out? Not worth it when he's already close to free. I'm already in conversations with management that could get him to come out, actually tell the world that he's pan, being able to mention interests in guys without receiving the blows from management.

My thoughts are interrupted by the typical wedding song, the one that everybody knows but nobody remembers the name of. 

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*three hours later*

The ceremony was beautiful, as was Rebekah's dress. I could imagine Harry in a dress like that; I can only hope he would be willing to wear such a thing when we get married. He's never worn a dress out of the house, though he loves them. He has a small collection of patterned dresses from an Australian store, Dangerfield, that he wears on date nights sometimes. It's almost like when Harry had long hair; he was so self conscious of it.

I'm half tempted to wear a dress out on a stunt to show him that it's okay, and spite Simon at the same time. I've never been one to think all that much of what strangers think, you have to be a close friend or family for your opinion to matter much to me. Harry, though he now is quite creative and individualistic, has always been one for self-consciousness. 

As the newlyweds take to the dance floor, I strike up a conversation with Tinchy Strider, who was seated beside me, Dani on my right, leaning into me. I spot a pap across the room, and kiss Dani on the forehead, continuing the conversation.

The sound of a phone rings clearly throughout the room, murmurs echoing around the cavernous hall, Dani handing it to me.

I remove the phone from Danielle's grasp, excusing myself and quickly rushing out of the massive hall into the corridor.

"Hey, Lots. Is everything okay?"
"Louis, are you alone?"
"Yes, are you okay?!"

I hear a sob, some inaudible talking in the background, then the sound of Daisy's voice. 

"Lou, mum's terminal."

In a cliche moment, the phone drops from my hand. I hear the clap of it slamming onto the tiles, but I can't even be bothered. I honestly can't be fucked about anything.