Hold On (l.s.)

t e n

content warnings for the usual, sh and suicide, plus antidepressants are briefly mentioned, and slight mentions/descriptions of alcoholism + excessive drinking. take care.

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July 17th, 2015

Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles' Hotel Room
Vancouver

"Where the fuck is my vodka?" Liam slams open the door, awakening me from my nap.
"I took it." I hear Louis' voice from beside me, where he was writing down some lyrics.
"What do you mean you took it, that's my goddamn drink."
"Yeah, and you've had like five every day this week. You gotta slow down, Li."
"You're not my mum, you don't-"
"No, I'm not your mum, I'm one of your closest friends on this fucking planet and I'm genuinely terrified of losing you, so I took the goddamn alcohol and I got rid of it. If you need to, we can organise a doctors appointment." Louis says bitterly, but firmly.
"You don't get to do that!"
"Why the fuck not?! I get it, you're stretched thin, quite frankly we're all fucked up at the moment, but you can't destroy yourself over this bullshit, it's not worth it."
"Not worth it? I lost my boyfriend, there's nothing left that's worth anything anymore!"

"Fucking hell, Zayn dumped you, okay?! Zayn chose to leave, he chose to leave you, and you can't drag that on forever! I get how you feel, really, I do, but you are more than an addition of his and you can't drag your feet waiting for him to magically think, "maybe I want liam back"! Okay?! So no more fucking drinking!"

The room goes silent, Louis quickly realising I'm awake. Liam squints angrily, storming back to his bedroom, and Louis quietly hums, laying down beside me. He rests one hand on my stomach, his other arm sneaking around my neck, pulling me in to face him, pressing his forehead to mine.

"Sorry, baby.." He muttered. "I didn't mean to wake you up."
"Has he really drunk that much?" I hadn't exactly not noticed that Liam was drinking rather heavily, but I didn't realise it was quite to that extreme. 
"Yeah. And I'm really worried; Zayn deadass told him that, basically, he needs to go fuck some girls and recover from his E.D. before they can be together, which was a total asshole move, and he hasn't stopped drinking since." 
"Zayn had to-"
"Harry, Zayn had to leave. I understand that. I get it, really, I do, you remember how it was when Taylor had her eating disorder. But you also remember how Taylor still treated everyone with the respect they'd earned."
"But-"
"No buts. He's my best friend, but that doesn't mean he gets to fuck around with everyone's lives right as he walks out of them."

That silences me. He can clearly sense my disappointment in that response, though I do understand it.

"I get it, Haz, you don't want to think badly of him. I agree, he had to leave. But the way he did wasn't respectful, to Liam or to us."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I'll pack this shit up, then we can go to sleep. Okay?"
"Yeah." I'm still uncertain, but I don't want a fight.

"And Haz?"
"Yeah?"
"Always in my heart, okay?"

My cheeks warm; it's our little in-joke, our own little "i love you". And it's still as cheesy as the first time.

"Yes."

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December 18th, 2017
(Directly after chapter 9)
Doncaster Royal Infirmary
Intensive care unit 

I scroll through my socials, hundreds upon thousands of messages from fans quickly flooding in.

"Oh my god, praying for Lou. He doesn't deserve this." one fan wrote.
"No, no, nononono. This isn't happening. This is a nightmare." another tweeted, tagging myself and the boys at the end of it.

Thoughts and prayers flowed steadily in, and Liam, Niall and Maura haven't even returned from outside yet. The paparazzi can be heard, even in here, and security staff are trying to clear the way for actual patients, but the paps are insistent.

The only information that Li was instructed to supply was that Louis was now awake, good chance of recovery, and that, yes, he was hospitalised for an attempt. Which obviously creates questions, many disrespectful or ignorant.

"He's literally got more money than my entire neighbourhood combined, plus a model girlfriend. Why would he even do this? Setup if you ask me." 

Harry bitterly closes the app, slamming his phone onto the table in front of him in fury. How dare these people assume they have a single fucking clue about this life? 

Harry himself had many questions for Louis, but he couldn't ask them of yet, as it would most likely leave Louis in a much worse state.

Zayn was restless, his leg bouncing quickly, his hands fidgeting with the corner of his phone case, taking it off and putting it on again in an infinite and undetered loop. The boys and Maura are the only ones yet to see Louis awake; Zayn hasn't even seen him in person since he left, other than from a distance at the occasional award show; the anxiety might be heightening his nerves, but I don't really know.

"H? Can we go in now?" I hear Niall's voice behind me, as he arrives back alongside Maura and Liam. 

"Yeah, soon as Mum and Gems are out. We don't want to overwhelm him."
"'Course."

We stand in an awkward silence, one ill-fitted for a group who were best friends for five years. Well, four. I suppose it depends on how one looks at it.

"Look, I'm just going to say this now." I begin seriously. "Zayn, you are not to say a single word to Louis about all this" I gesture dramatically at him and myself, "because if he gets overwhelmed he could slip back under; his body's not got the drugs in him anymore, but it still believes it does, so it's reaction to stress will be 'fuck this let's shut down'."

Zayn nods solemnly, his hands still fidgeting with the phone case.

"And you two;" I round on Liam and Niall, the latter looking slightly scared, "I get that you guys are his best mates, I understand that, but he's been through fucking hell and not one of us realised that. Liam, you spent a bit of time with him when he was on the XFactor, and you did Gogglebox together, but Ni, you guys have like, barely spoken, right?"
"Yeah, I, uh, I guess."
"Well starting now, each of you and myself are going to be emotionally there for him any fucking time, okay? If he calls you, I don't give one single fuck if you're about to walk on stage or if you're about to go to sleep or whatever, because knowing him, he'll get me to go back on tour, and you need to be there for him if I can't physically. It's my fault he's here, so I'm not about to let him come back."
"It's not your-" Liam begins.
"I didn't force him to see Eliza after Jay. I let him go to Dan's practically every day, even though Dan wasn't there for him. It was my antidepressants. It was my carelessness. Okay? But I can do better and I will do better, and all of you will too, deal?" I finish harshly.

The three nod.

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only the epilogue to go, and it should be out within a week or two. the emotional rollercoaster is almost over lol.