Just Friends, Right?

Respect On Our Names.

Jada~

Getting back home via the Brewers team plane has to be an absolute luxury. I have nothing to worry about when I fly with them. Everything goes so smoothly especially when I have Scout with me.

I'm basically packing up my life here and moving back to Milwaukee for the time he's in season. I never thought I would be back in a full-time situation. But because we're engaged, I feel that it's right of me to be with him. I think he would be okay with me staying in LA but I know he would appreciate it if I went back to Milwaukee with him.

That being said, I'll probably have some bad days since it is the summer and everything happened in the summer regarding my mom. He knows I'm going to have bad days. But it's his patience that makes everything so much better.

Those days will be coming. It might hit harder because I won't be in LA which is where I've been for the past eight years when that awful anniversary rolls around.

Scout gets my attention as he runs up to the sliding glass door wanting to be let in. I think he's pretty excited to be with Christian more.

My phone vibrates as it sits on the kitchen island. Speak of the devil. I hold my phone up to my ear, "Hi."

"Hey. You're coming tonight, right?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Are you going to drive back tonight?"

"I don't want to leave Scout alone for more than I need to."

"Then I might come back with you."

"Okay. I'll wait by the netting after the game."

"Sounds good. What have you been doing?"

"Cleaning, packing, and laundry."

"That's no fun."

"Especially when you're alone."

"You have Scout with you."

"I love him to death but all he wants are belly rubs and to run around in the sand which defeats my purpose of cleaning."

He laughs, "You don't have to clean."

"Neither of us is going to be here for at least two more months. It's better to come back to a clean house."

"You sound like my mom."

I laugh, "Good."

"I'll see you later?"

"Yes. I will get there early. Come talk to me before the game."

"Okay. I'll look for you. I love you."

"I love you too."

Rolling over onto my back after tossing and turning all night with zero sleep because I'm anxious and on the verge of tears. Nine years without my mom. They tell you it gets easier as time goes on. I don't believe that.

I think you learn how to grieve and handle it. Their presence not being there doesn't get easier. You can't bring your lost loved one back even though you want to. I will always grieve my mother's death. But I will continue learning how to handle the grief and guilt I feel daily.

I unplug my phone from the charger and look at minimal notifications. Probably because I was up all night and my phone was my greatest distraction. I leave our room and go downstairs to the kitchen.

It's extremely early. Way too early for Christian to even think about waking up. It's too early for Scout to join me too. It's too early for me to be up too. But my mind is awake and there's no stopping a lively mind.