Just Friends, Right?

You Never Know.

Jada~

Christian fixes my beanie as we stand together before he has to go out to the field, "Stay warm."

"You too."

He kisses me, "I'll see you in a few hours."

"Good luck. Have fun."

St. Louis is abnormally cold right now. It is the beginning of April, but we've been here around the same time and it's been nice out. He walks away from me as I head for the small group of girls. We were brave enough to bear the weather today. We could've stayed at the hotel.

We go to our seats, sharing multiple blankets. The things we do for our boys. I can't wait to be home tonight in our warm bed.

I sigh, looking at the one-lined, negative pregnancy test sitting on the counter of our bathroom. We said we'd see how it goes this month to take things further if we both felt the need to.

I put the test in my shorts' pocket before going to the kitchen. I quietly walk into the living room as I can hear Christian talking to Scout and soft music playing in the background.

They make me so happy. I watch them until he notices me watching them. He chuckles as he notices me. "C'mon, you know you want in on this."

I laugh, walking toward them but sitting on the island. "You can continue," I tell him.

He looks between me and Scout, "Mom doesn't want to have any fun with us. What are we going to do?"

He barks at me, "Tell her all about it, Scout."

I laugh as Christian feeds into Scout's sassiness. I take a handful of strawberries from the bowl beside the cutting board where Christian was cutting fruit before he and the dog started dancing.

My smile slowly fades as I watch them. Not because I'm missing out on their fun but because I don't want to ruin the perfect moment by talking about our nonexistent baby.

Christian looks back at me with such a big smile as I zone out but that goes away when he notices I'm not smiling, "What's wrong?"

I show him the negative test and let him put the pieces together. "Four days late and I thought maybe this was it and then I got my hopes up. That seems to be happening a lot more than I want it to."

"Are you sure these aren't expired?"

"It's a new box."

He can see the defeat in my eyes. He doesn't say anything. He simply just hugs me. I hold my arms around him, sinking into his hug.

I start to get teary-eyed because I never wanted it to come to this. I wanted everything to happen naturally. We both want that. We didn't want to come to the idea of getting help. I don't want to accept that.

"We will do whatever it takes, okay?"

"Okay."

"They can turn you down if you haven't been trying to get pregnant for more than a year?" Camille asks me as she watches me move around the kitchen.

"Yeah. Some of them are up to two years. We've been taking it seriously since we got back from Aruba. It's been six months which isn't a long time but it is when you only want one result and you keep getting the opposite."

"That's crazy. Are those places around Milwaukee?"

"Two of them are around Milwaukee. I talked to one in Chicago and one in Madison. I emailed some of them. Some of them never returned my phone call. I'm just trying to compile a list of clinics that will actually talk to us and not base it off of how long we've been trying to get pregnant."