Don't Stand So Close (completed)

Chapter 23*

On Tuesday morning, after a quickie with Harry (that probably woke the neighbor), we parted ways, with him going home and me going to class. After my morning class I went to the café on campus to study and take notes for one of my classes. About thirty minutes in, someone sat down across from me at the tiny table I was sat at. I looked up to find Starla sitting with a cup of tea watching me with a soft smile.

"Hi. Hope I'm not interrupting you." She spoke quietly. I hadn't expected to see Starla today. We had no classes together and I wasn't filled in on what classes she was taking this semester as our relationship wasn't like it used to be. Everything between us was still rather strained, sadly. In the past I'd have known what her schedule was exactly, but nowadays I don't hear from her as much.

"Of course you're not. I'm happy to see you." I smiled at her as I closed the textbook I was marking up with notes. "How's it going?" I added, hoping to keep her around as long as possible. Our last contact was a text message. I sent her a message about something I saw that reminded me of her and she replied by "liking" the message but never sent a real response with words or even an emoji. I know it's my fault that we're like this now, but I still continue to have hope for the future. I don't know what it will look like but I need it to be better than it is right now.

"Good. Paul and I considering moving in together. Save some money. Plus I like him a lot and I think it'll be good. When the semester is over we'll have a better idea if that's something we want. Also, I was applying for jobs. Just like a call center on the weekends or something. Get out from under my dad and mom a bit. I appreciate that they want to pay for everything for me but I kind of want to be more independent financially. I don't know. So, I'm good. Just the usual." She laughs and takes a sip of her tea.

I nod and smile. She says just the usual so casually and there's something about it that hurts a little. Things aren't as usual with us. Not anymore. The usual would be the two of us going out regularly and sleeping over, texting all day like we used to, making plans, swapping outfits... We barely speak anymore. And it's my fault.

I look down to my empty mug and wish it had something in it so I could take a sip to fill the awkwardness of the moment but instead I just stare into the empty mug, wondering if she'll ask about me and attempting to think of what to say next. Just as I come up with something to mention she speaks at the same time as I begin my sentence. We look at each other and pause to let the other continue and suddenly both begin to laugh. We keep eye contact as we chuckle together and it feels like old times, a little. When our laughter dies out I remain silent and look at Starla with hope, wanting her to continue to speak and so she does.

"Uh... I wish things weren't like this between us, Anna. I miss you. I just don't know how to... I don't know. That's all. I just don't know how to do this," she motions between the two of us and takes a deep breath, "... this... I guess that's it. You know? I don't know. That's the problem. I miss you but I don't know how to move on. I wish I could." I sit in silence as she works through what she wants to say, keeping my eyes on her features. She laughs at herself quietly and brings her eyes back up to mine before speaking again.

"Like, I want to ask how you're doing but I'm not sure I want to hear it. I'm trying not to be in denial, but I think I am a little. I know you know this already, but I hate that you and my dad..." she swallows and fiddles with her cup, "... it just doesn't... I don't know. I wish I could put into words my feelings, but I can't. Not right now. I actually came in here to just grab some tea and then I saw you here and I wanted to say hi. So, that's why I'm here. But I do think we need to have a really good conversation where everything is put on the table. I know we tried already, but I think we need to do it again and I need to be better about hearing it all." She laughs again and shakes her head, sipping her tea.