But I Still Want You {Taekook}

10. Jeongguk

Telling his friends lifted a weight from Jeongguk's shoulders, and so did the ingestion of large amounts of alcohol. But this was still Taehyung's apartment, Taehyung's party, and even if Jimin had probably told him to behave, as he promised he would, Jeongguk still caught too frequent glimpses of him, either drinking somewhere, or dancing in the middle of the living room, or talking to someone, and he hated that his eyes couldn't help but snap up to him every time, like they were magnetically drawn to him.

Jeongguk was getting past tipsy and now veering into comfortably drunk, which was why he was allowing himself to think about Taehyung, for once, instead of squashing the mere idea of him under his mental boots like he usually did.

And it was a good thing he didn't drink more often, too, because the thoughts that roamed his uncensored mind were scary now, in his state of drunkenness; they'd be impossible to stand had he been sober.

The biggest of them, at the forefront of his mind, was that Taehyung was beautiful. It was a truth he desperately tried to crush every time he saw him at the gym, with more or less success, but now, watching him gracefully move from one person to another, dance with a guy, laugh with a girl, dressed in a Gucci blue shirt and large black pants, he couldn't help but fully think it.

Taehyung was beautiful.

A long-forgotten, deep-seated longing was squeezing his heart. For the first time in a month and a half, he was allowing himself to remember how Taehyung used to make his heart stop just by walking into his field of vision, back in high school. The problem was, he was even more beautiful now, seven years later. Jeongguk's eyes could not stand such perfection.

The second thought, less urgent, but still very much there, was that he missed Taehyung. Sure, the guy was a lying and manipulative scumbag. Sure, he'd inflicted him the most painful humiliation of his life, one that had effectively changed him and had deeply altered the way he interacted with others, and his capacity for trust. Sure, Taehyung had hurt him more than he thought he could ever be hurt. But before that, the four months they'd spent together had been the happiest of Jeongguk's life, the funniest; it had been the first time he'd felt complete, understood, and liked.

And although it turned out that it was nothing more than a lie, although almost everything he remembered from that time had soured because of that, sometimes, without warning, a memory would pop up and Jeongguk would feel nostalgic all over again.

And tonight, a lot of memories were popping up. Memories of cuddling in Taehyung's bed when his parents were at work, memories of kissing slowly, for hours, just because they could, and looking into each other's eyes with overflowing tenderness - at least on Jeongguk's part. Memories of heated make-out sessions that ended with their hands in each other's pants. Jeongguk's first sexual experience ever. He had been so glad, back then, that it was with Taehyung. That was the one thing he couldn't bring himself to regret, even when his mind was clouded by hate and resentment.

So many memories.

There was another thought, quieter than the others, but ten times scarier, that even drunk Jeongguk had trouble admitting to himself he was thinking. That thought, he could not, would not voice it, even just mentally.

Which was why he decided to stop staring at him from afar and stand up from where he was sitting on the couch, next to a guy whose name he didn't know, who was chatting about something he didn't understand and had absolutely no interest in.

"Gotta pee", he said, shrugging. The guy looked disappointed, but Jeongguk didn't hear nor cared about his reply. He snatched a bottle of soju on his way.

Taehyung and Jimin's apartment was, obviously, bigger than his, but also bigger than Yoongi and Hoseok's. Jeongguk, snooping around through his alcoholic haze, discovered two bedrooms, one with all the coats from the guests thrown haphazardly on the bed, the other with an unmade bed, weird art posters on the wall and a walk-in closet.