But I Still Want You {Taekook}

17. Jeongguk

"Your place tonight?"

Three months into their fuckbuddies relationship, and Jeongguk still couldn't hear this sentence without his heart missing a beat. He was helping Taehyung straighten his plank position, and at least, Taehyung couldn't see his face, and it was a good thing, because the more they did this, the more he felt like he was losing his tight grip over his emotions.

"Yeah", he just replied curtly.

It was scary. Slowly, everything was spiraling out of control, and Jeongguk didn't quite know what to do to prevent the shipwreck that was waiting to happen. It was scary, because the more sex he had with Taehyung, the more he wanted him - and it didn't help that Taehyung had been conscientiously training for the past few months and was now getting muscles in all the right places.

But the scariest part was that, the more time he spent with him, the more lulled he was into this weird fantasy where they weren't just casually hooking up, but something more, something meaningful, something Jeongguk could never risk letting himself hope for again.

The only way to protect himself was to shut Taehyung out, and so he did, and Jeongguk wasn't stupid; he could clearly see how it hurt Taehyung every time he did that. And slowly, little by little, Jeongguk was beginning to wonder if maybe, maybe, it was time to try something new. Something like trust. Or, at least, something like friendship.

No, even more basic than that: something like forgiveness.

The thing was, Jeongguk had already forgiven Taehyung. He'd noticed, recently, that somewhere along the way, along the sex, he'd stopped being mad at him. At one point, over the course of the last three months, without even realizing, he'd started to believe Taehyung was genuinely regretting everything that had happened.

Sometimes, when Jeongguk was feeling wild, he even let himself believe that Taehyung was telling the truth when he said he would never have broken up with him back then. It wasn't enough to trust him when he said he loved him - which happened from time to time, and mostly when he thought Jeongguk couldn't hear him - but it was enough for his resentment to morph into comprehension, and then acceptance.

So, yes, Jeongguk had, in fact, forgiven him. But Taehyung didn't know that. And Jeongguk carefully kept things that way, because he wasn't ready to face whatever Taehyung would expect from him once he knew that. Forgiving him didn't mean he was ready to jump back into a relationship with him.

Did he even want to? To be painfully honest, the idea was rather appealing, because he still loved Taehyung - there really was no other way but to admit it now - and boy, wasn't that the stupidest thing in the world, loving Taehyung.

Jeongguk just couldn't help it - Taehyung was very lovable, even when he was detestable. But offering his soul, baring his heart to him, once again, to risk having it crushed under his very eyes, was something he wasn't ready for. He loved Taehyung, but he didn't trust him.

Trust: the next step.

It was getting harder and harder to act distant with him, now, though. During sex, he wanted to kiss him everywhere, hold him and cuddle him, but a shred of self-preservation prevented him from doing it, and it was the hardest part, acting like he didn't care so Taehyung wouldn't expect anything from him.

But maybe he was a bit too good at it, in the end.

They were in Jeongguk's bed, the evening following their session, panting, skin covered in sweat, after the most amazing sex Jeongguk had had in a while - maybe ever. With Taehyung, it felt like every time was better than the last, and he'd had to grit his teeth harder than ever to stop himself blurting out to Taehyung how much he loved him.

It wasn't sustainable, he thought dimly, through the haze of his mind-blowing orgasm. One day, the truth would slip out. He really had to keep himself in check, because it was getting harder and harder to keep his feelings bottled inside him, and it scared him.

"You should go," he whispered while Taehyung was lying next to him, eyes closed, well fucked, smiling beatifically at the ceiling. He looked like beauty incarnate.

But when he heard Jeongguk's words, the smile suddenly slipped from his lips and he opened his eyes to stare at him incredulously.

There was silence, for a bit, then Taehyung sat up.

"Wow. Okay," he said in a dry voice.

Immediately, Jeongguk felt bad about it. He knew he didn't have to be that mean towards him, but it was the last thing he felt he had to protect himself.

Maybe protecting himself wasn't a good thing if it meant he hurt Taehyung at the same time, though.

"Sorry," he replied, ashamed. "But..."

"I was going to leave anyway," Taehyung interrupted him. "When do I ever stay? When do you ever let me stay? I was gonna leave. I always leave."

He did, and Jeongguk felt like a jerk. Powerless, he watched Taehyung get up, retrieve his clothes on the floor and quickly get dressed, in silence.

"Taehyung, look, I'm sorry, I..."

"No, Jeongguk, it's ok. You don't have to apologize," Taehyung replied curtly, buttoning his flower-patterned shirt. "You've been very clear since the beginning and I just can't seem to take a hint. I must be stupid! What is it with me that I can't stop hoping? God, I'm such a moron."

"Taehyung..."

"We should stop. The casual sex. I can't do it anymore."

Jeongguk felt his heart stop in his chest. He must have heard wrong. "What?"

"I can't do it anymore," Taehyung repeated, looking at Jeongguk and frowning. "I thought I could, because sex with you is so good, Jeongguk, but I can't anymore. I know I broke your heart in high school, and I'm sorry for that, believe me, I am, and I thought I was ready to accept whatever punishment you deemed necessary, but this is too much, now. I'm not strong enough. Jimin was right, maybe it's time I move on."

No, Jeongguk thought, frozen. No, it couldn't be.

"You... You said you'd do anything... That you'd take anything from me..."

Taehyung shook his head. "I know. And I tried. And I'm done trying. It doesn't look like you're ever going to forgive me and I can't keep hoping you will. This is unhealthy. Let's stop right there. I'll cancel my gym subscription. I'll give you the Saturdays with our friends. I'll never appear in your life again, as you wanted."

"But..."

"I just can't keep loving you and being constantly pushed away in return, Jeongguk, it hurts too much. I'm sorry I thought I could. If anything, it proves I'm the liar you always believed I was."

Jeongguk had trouble breathing. His mind was swimming in an ocean of panic and his body was frozen with fear. It couldn't happen again. Losing Taehyung. Not when he'd finally forgiven him. Not when he'd fallen back in love with him.

You should tell him! a voice in his head shrieked. Tell him you love him!

But he was unable to move, unable to do anything, and anyway, what would be the point? Taehyung was giving up on him. Jeongguk already wasn't ready to take a step forward when Taehyung wanted him; he certainly wasn't going to say anything now that Taehyung was walking away from him. It would be suicide.

But it felt like dying anyway, watching Taehyung get his stuff back and turn to him, eyes shiny with unshed tears.

"Goodbye, Jeongguk."

And then he left, and the sound of the door closing felt like the final nail in his coffin.

Taehyung was gone.

Again.