Being Jinyoung's Sister [S2]

MY LETTER, MY LOVE

JI EUN
She still had feelings for him but she had to get over hee break up.. for him. Since he was happy with someone else.
Well, at least that's what she thought.

Ji Ehn got up from her bed and sat at the desk that was in the room. She took a piece of paper and a pen and started writing all the things that was in her mind. All the things she had been thinking before going to sleep every night. Just everything.

MY LETTER:
Am I gonna be okay?
Of course I will.. I mean this is how some relationships are, right?
This is how it ends sometimes.
But what was the reason.
I need a reason to move on.
But maybe it was my fault.
He couldn't talk to me.
I didn't let him.

It wasn't that sudden..
I did see it coming after a while though.
But why did I have to find out that way..
Why didn't you just tell me the truth instead of lying to me and your members.

I was forced to believe that everything was okay.
How do you just lose interest.. there has to be a reason.

Was I not good enough for you?
But I did my best.
Didn't I.
If my best wasn't enough then what does it take.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I didn't seem paranoid so I tried to overlook any speculations... I still remember it clearly.

In that short moment of silence.
I tend to race through the stages of anger in effort to cheat the process.
I wouldn't bargain.
I wasn't gonna beg you.
If this was supposed to last then you wouldn't put me in that position.
I wasn't gonna badger you with questions and hopes to appease my painful curiosity.
Let's just fast forward a bit and pretend I've accepted your decision.

Things are alright now... no regrets.. I've moved on. But that's the thing about pretending.
When there's no one else around.. I'm only fooling myself.

Throughout my life, people often tell me that everything happens for a reason and while I may agree to that to some extent.. I also believe that it isn't necessarily a job to find those reasons.
Sometimes it's okay to avoid that painful journey of finding the truth.. sometimes it's better to just focus on accepting things.. despite the lack of clarity and move on.

You being an idol and me being.. normal.
It wasn't easy at all.
Just like a roller coaster there were ups and downs.
Times where we fight, had arguments or even ignored each other.
But also good times where we laughed about random things, took silly pictures at random places or just stayed at home, watched movies all night while we cuddled and fell asleep on the couch.

I knew that I would get a lot of hate from your fans and that I can't go on dates with you at day time when we would start to date each other. For a couple of months it even made me feel insecure about myself sometimes. For example buying groceries.. I only did that at night when it was dark outside because I was scared to face questions or menace but it was totally worth it every time.

When I started to study for school it was even more intense then the first couple of months and it meant accumulating stressed that I had to control and not make a mistake of taking it out on my relationship with you.
I did pretty well.
I balanced my priorities between school, friends, family, my part-time job at my mom's café and our relationship.

We were in a stable relationship.
So I thought.. we had a mutual agreement that honesty between us was important.
A promise.
It meant sharing everything with each other, no secrets.
It meant setting aside our egos, no arguments.
But the most important thing of all was.. trust.
And after 2 years of being together.. that agreement.. was broken.

When I came with Jaebum to visit the others at your dorm and they hid what was going on.. Bambam told me..
I didn't know how to handle that at first.

As I kicked the door open and I saw you there lying on your bed with another girl..

When you see such scenario after believing you're in something so solid, so stable.. you become flooded with concern and curiosity. And the first question that you prioritize is..

WHY?
WHY NOW?
WHY NOT EARLIER?
WHY DID I HAVE TO FIND OUT THIS WAY? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?
..but it doesn't stop there..

HOW?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU FELT THIS WAY? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?

WHAT?
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
WHAT WILL BECOME OF US NOW?

..and it continues.
Because those questions branched out into more and more and more until..

Until I was left with an insatiable tree that seeks the truth. Only few of my question were answered but even then the promise was already broken and I was compelled to discredit any truth.

I ran away from the truth.
I wanted to take a break.
I didn't wanted to face the truth and slept hoping it was all a nightmare.
But I woke up the next day to face the harsh truth that the road continues no matter what. Whether it's losing a job, losing a loved one, just losing in general.
If you fall behind then you're left behind.

The members tried to console me, but their words were drowned beneath the questions in my head.

Since I still had or have feelings for you..
I decided to let you go.
I still can't believe that I did that but..
I had to accept your decision too.

Well, I guess this is how love sometimes ends. But.. All I want to know is.. since when did you lose interest in me?
Since when did you not love me..

I could actually continue this letter but this would only hurt me.

I'm lying to myself everyday.
Thinking that one day I would really believe my own lies.

I miss you.
I miss you a lot.
And I can't continue like this forever.

Everyone thinks I got over it, but I didn't.
Everyone thinks that I'm strong, but I'm not.
Everyone thinks I don't talk about my feeling, but I do.
I'm just some girl who pretends to be all that for the people I love.

My lies might eat me up someday but it's just for the best.. right?

With that Ji Eun stopped writing, looked at her letter and went to sleep.