The Beat of a Battered Heart

Caroline- 3

Meg is so mad at me. I don't think she has ever been this mad at me. Turns out, she was a little in love with Ashton as well. And when I try to explain to her why- how he was all out of our league and stuff- she just rolls her eyes dramatically.

"He never cared about any of that stuff, Caro!"

She's right, of course. He didn't. His love was a pure thing that I tarnished. It wasn't his fault. The whole thing, from inception to demise, is on me.

My mother barely looks at me but is actually pretty good with Meg. So I don't care. Meg needs her more than I do.

School is a lesson in avoidance. I feel like Ashton is everywhere. And I feel like every whisper in the hall is about me. I've taken on a whole new identity. I used to be the girl that, while highly forgettable, was nice enough and could help with your homework. Now, I'm the girl who dumped Ashton Wexler after he saved her from sure death. He has helped with this reputation. He has made it common knowledge that he had no intention of ever breaking up with ME. That he would never leave me of his own free will. So I'm apparently the trashy heartbreaker who didn't deserve him to begin with (their words, never his).

They think I can't hear them. But I do. I don't blame them. Ashton has a lot of friends. The school is on his side. I would be, too. I AM, too. Which is why I sit alone for lunch and relegate myself to the back corner of every class when I can. I am rooting for Ashton.

It's like I am a radar tuned to his particular signature. I sense him all of the time, long before I actually see him. He'll come around a corner and I'll know it before he does. He'll be loitering at the bottom of the main stairs surrounded by admirers and I'll feel him before I see him. I can't seem to actually avoid him. While the school is big, it's still an enclosed community. And he's obviously memorized my schedule. I know he's checking up on me while keeping as much distance as he can. He is trying to be inconspicuous. But when you're as tuned to someone as I am to him, it's impossible.

So I'll find him casually leaning up against the wall near my locker. Not watching me. But so watching me. Or outside of my Bio 2 class. Or at a table within earshot in the cafeteria. Emitting anger and concern simultaneously. And love. That emotion is the strongest.

Damn him.

He looks so handsome all of the time. I wonder if, when he gets dressed in the morning for school, he purposely picks things he knows I will like. The jeans, the flannels over surf tees, work boots. Or board shorts and flip flops. His tan deepens as winter- surf season- approaches. My entire self is drawn to him. Once I SMELLED him, and when I turned in the library he was at the table behind me. Blue eyes boring into me.

Resisting him is exhausting.

It's the week before Thanksgiving and the "we hate Caroline" campaign is in full swing. I am confident Ashton knows nothing of this outright. I don't think he'd tolerate it. But one can hope that maybe he's finally moved on and has settled in a place of contempt, therefore encouraging it. But then I see him leaning against the wall in the bus circle when I get off the bus, or slouched in the library during my study hall, and I know that he still hasn't moved on. My feelings are completely mixed.

Because I haven't moved on, either.

It'd be easier if at least ONE of us would get there.

I am walking up the center stairs, not paying attention, really, when someone runs forcefully into my shoulder, knocking me off balance. I lose my footing and actually fall, throwing out my arm to catch myself and tweaking the same wrist that just healed.

"Ohmigosh! I'm SO SORRY!" Bella Sinclair- the real and true homecoming queen and CEO of the "we hate Caroline" club- gushes. All blonde, blue eyed, and busty. Her verbage is as insincere as her apology. She is looking down on me with contempt and I sigh.