The Beat of a Battered Heart

Ashton- 16

"Dr. Wexler."

I don't even bother to respond. I have found myself sitting on the curb at the back of the ER parking lot. I have removed myself. I've gone as far as I have the energy to go. As far from the death of my wife as I'm presently able.

My phone has vibrated in my slacks' pocket half a dozen times. Because who answers the call that delivers the news of the death of your wife if you can avoid it just a little longer? At least an hour has passed. Maybe more. I don't know. It's near twilight. I saw Jason's truck pull up. The police squad. Car upon car. I liked that no one could see me here. Until now, I've felt sort of safe.

"Dr. Wexler, you should come with me." I know her, the nurse they've sent for me. Carla. Nurse manager of the ER, actually. Good, competent. Smart. Older than she looks in her brunette ponytail.

Not looking at her, I sigh, get to my feet. My face is so full of grief and regret, it feels like it's made of stone.

"Your wife-"

"Don't!" I snap. I walk away from her, up the small rise of hill the hospital's set on. I don't want to hear it. Not yet. I have a couple more minutes until someone says it and makes it true. Silenced, she follows me.

It didn't matter. The hugeness of my love- it didn't keep her safe or protected. Despite all intention to the contrary, I have lost the only woman I have ever loved. She worried about not being enough. Turns out, that blame has lain on me all along. So now I get to say goodbye to her. And figure out how to keep breathing in order to take care of our baby girl. I owe Caroline at least that.

The emergency room doors swish open and cold air hits me. Every single person looks up at me from the long desk. I see Waterman. My eyes shift to Harris. I don't understand their expressions. They seem at ease.

It makes me want to kill them.

Harris comes around the desk and approaches me. I avoid him by stepping into the curtained off area where I left Caroline to die.

"Oh-" I cry softly. An enormous breath leaves me.

Her ET tube is gone.

She's been changed into a clean gown and covered with clean sheets. Her hair, brushed back from her face.

Her heart monitor plays the rhythm of a beating heart. And there is NOTHING more brave than the beat of a battered heart.

"Oh," I whisper again. I go to her. Wrapping her warm, alive self in my arms and sobbing into her neck.

"Oh, baby. Thank you, thank you, thank you," I weep. I kiss her cheeks, her slack mouth, take her hand and hold it against my lips. Tears run freely down my face. "You stayed. You didn't go. You stayed with me." I bend, put my ear on her chest and listen to the beautiful melody of her pulse. I am completely overcome. At the foot of her bed, Harris.

"You saved her," I say in disbelief.

"She's strong," he smiles gently.

"I will never be able to thank you enough."

"Ashton, if anyone saved her, it was you. I was just doing my job. Her bleeding is under control. She'll need more blood, some platelets. The heparin stays for now. She was gone for less than seven minutes, and supported by CPR the entire time. I don't expect any residual-"

I walk over and throw my arms around him.

"Thank you," I say hoarsely. He returns the embrace.

"You're welcome. We'll move her to ICU as soon as the bed's ready." I return to Caroline's side, pull up a chair, take her hand in mine.

"Oh, and Ashton." I look up.

"Your baby is in the nursery. She's doing just fine," he smiles.

The blessings I have been given this day- I only have the same two words.

"Thank you."