The Beat of a Battered Heart

Ashton- 4

There is a place between asleep and awake that frequently delivers the sensation of falling. It causes a half-awake startle reflex, making "falling asleep" feel literal.

It is in this place that I find her. Almost asleep, with a small part of me in both worlds. Her eyes are a mossy green, hair a river of dark blonde highlighted by sunshine, lips full and perfectly shaped. She has a smattering of freckles on her nose and cheeks. Those cheekbones high and strong. A scent like rain. I can hear her voice. I can taste her tongue. I can feel her warmth.

And then she fades and is gone.

I am then asleep or awake. She no longer lives in either of those places. She's like fog- you can see it, but can't quite touch it, and it's burned away by the sun.

It's bizarre, to miss her still. To even think of her so clearly after all of these years. It speaks volumes on the power our love had. And how shaped by that time I am. People say your first love stays with you, a thing you carry. But I'm sure what I feel is deeper than the memories of a high school sweetheart.

We went through hell together. Me, Caroline, and Meg.

Only two of us survived it and we've never forgiven ourselves for that. Well, I haven't. And if I haven't, I can't imagine the place Caroline lives in within herself.

We watched Meg die. Murdered. Out of nothing more than spite. It scars a person. Caroline spent years being tortured to keep her baby sister safe. In the end what she'd given up could never compare to what she'd lost. And she had given up her very SELF.

I loved Meg. From day one her spunk and fire won me over. Her laugh, her light. She was like a sister to me, too. What happened to her- I am haunted by it. I will never forget the numbing shock I felt when that shot was fired. I didn't really think he'd do it. I knew he was an evil sadist. A child abuser and a rapist. But when that gun went off my brain seized up in disbelief. It was only after Meg had slid out of his grip to the ground and Caroline was on top of him full of a wild grief, that I was able to come to the conclusion that he'd actually done it. I was torn- run to protect Caroline or go to Meg? But there were 6 guns aimed at Kurt. I believed they would take him before he could further harm the girl I loved. So I joined a paramedic at Meg's side. I knelt down. He looked at me. And shook his head. She was already gone. I have cried a thousand tears over that little girl. I can't shake the guilt. It will be like this for the rest of my life. Placing those headstones did nothing to ease any of the blame I carry. I shouldn't have hesitated. I should have killed him so many times and I didn't. I just...didn't.

I knew, even from the beginning, that things weren't right at home for them. And that bruise I saw marring Caroline's flesh at the hotel in Disney- I knew she was lying to me. And I did nothing. I also knew there was more to her absence at the end of the summer than her being sick. And I did nothing. And even when it was proven to me- even when I found her battered and his hand strangling the life out of her- even then, I did nothing. Not really. I stopped short of killing him. I could have saved us all, if I had only followed my drive to finish the job. We have all paid the price for that.

Caroline, most of all.

She was so wrong when she assumed I had no idea who she was. I knew. I'd noticed her the year before when we shared a class. Quiet, smart, soft spoken, kind. Beautiful. I was nearing 17 so, yes, I noticed her beauty. But it was so understated. So unlike the girls in my crowd- lots of bottled blondes with too much mascara and voices meant to be noticed.

Her face was her own, not Cover Girl's. Her clothes were worn and always had a way of looking soft. Peasant blouses, faded tshirts, slouchy boots, jeans that gave in all the right places. Tawny gold hair that moved like water, waves stopping just below her shoulders. A voice like music.