Dear mom, I miss you...《English》

5 - Lies hurt

'We need to go now.' Ali's dad says after we talked for half an hour.
'It's okay.' I smile at him and after that I walk to Ali. 'Here,' I give her a paper. 'my mail address.'
She takes the paper and smiles, 'Thank you, I will send you an email when I come home.'
'Great. Well, I talk to you later than.'
'Yeah, bye.'
'Bye.'
We hive eachother a hug and than Ali and her dad leave to go to their mom's and wife's grave. I look at my grandma who started watering the flowers that surround my mom's grave. I kneel down next to my grandma and look at the tombstone.

Here rest
Our beautiful daughter, wife and mom.
Jane Marie Carroll
August 2nd 1976 - October 16th 2012.
May she rest in peace.

I sigh, she died at the age of 36, about a year after she became sick.
'What are you thinking about darling?' My grandma asks when she's done watering the flowers.
'Mom.' I say without looking away from the grave.
'Me too.'
I can feel that her eyes are focused on me and I start to feel a little embarrassed. I look at the letter in my hands and than at the marigolds. I put the letter in my pocket and smell the flowers. My mom used to love the smell or marigolds, but my dad actually didn't want them in the house because he hated it, he really hated the smell. My mom told me that a lot of people hate the smell, but I'm not one of them. I love the smell and I always did. Every time I smell a marigold, I think of my mom. I take one last smell and than I lay them down, in front of the tombstone. I get the letter out of my pocket again and slowly unfold it.
'Can I read it?'
I look up at my grandma and bite my lip. Carefully I make the paper flat on my lap. I sigh, 'You can.'
I keep the letter in her direction and keep my eye focused on the marigolds while she reads the letter. I think about the things I wrote in the letter, nothing my grandma may not know for as far as I remember. Most of the things are just memories and I guess she already knows everything, except for the Eva thingy. I'm actually pretty worried about that, my grandma really likes her and I don't want her to start thinking differently about her because of me. I dare not to take my eyes off the flowers, afraid of my grandma's reaction. I keep my eyes on the flowers till I hear my grandma folding the letter carefully. I slowly turn my head and see that her eyes are focused on the letter.
'Why didn't you tell me?' She whispers without looking up.
'I don't know. You like Eva a lot, ever since the beginning. I didn't want you to start thinking differently about her. So I decided not to tell you. Are you mad about it or not?'
'I'm not darling. And you shouldn't be afraid about me changing my mind about other people, that's up to me, not up to you. Okay?'
'Okay.'
'So?'
'So what?'
'You canged your mind?'
'I did.'
'How?'
'I don't know. Like I told Ali before, it kust changed from one second to the other. It's really weird, but it's the truth.'
'I believe you.'
'Thank you.'
'You don't need to thank me for believing this darling.'
I didn't notice she looked up from the letter and was now looking at me because I focused my eyes on the flowers again.
'Is there something on your mind sweetheart?'
'No, not really.'
'But?'
'I feel guilty for not liking Eva.'
'You do now, right?'
'I know, but still.'
'You really don't need to worry about that darling. If I were in your position, I would probably feel the same. It's normal that you feel like that when you just lost your mom.'
'But she passed more than three years ago, then why do I only realize it now?'
'I don't know darling. Everyone is different and some people, like you, need more time to reorganize their life after they lost a loved one.'
'Like my dad?'
'Exactly, just like your dad.'
'You're protecting him, aren't you?'
'I'm not. I'm just showing you that your dad's reaction isn't that weird.'
' I guess you're right. I was mad at my dad for acting like that all the time, but in the end I acted exactly the same.'
'Not exactly.'
'You know what I mean.'
'I do.'
'Grandma?' I ask her while removing my eyes from the flowers.
'Yes my dear?'
'I don't know what to do with the letter. I mean, isn't it weird to just put it at the grave with the flowers?'
'I isn't. And if you don't want to do it like that, you could read it out loud. It maybe shounds weird but I think it would be good for you too.'
'Really?'
'Yes, I really think so.'
'Well okay then.'
She hands me the letter and smiles, 'you can do it sweetheart.'
I look at the letter in my hands. I only wrote it this morning, but it feels like ages ago. Now I think about it, this whole day already feels like a year. From the moment I realized Eva doesn't want to replace my mom, everything went so so so fast. I mean, I even made a new friend! That maybe doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me it is. Since my mom died I had quite much problems with making friends. It was hard for me to trust people. Why? Because of my mom's doctors. They always told me she would be fine and that I wouldn't lose my mom, I believed them. They kept on telling me they could heal her and that I didn't need to worry about her, I believed them! I was seven, what do you think? When you tell a seven year old girl that you can keep her mom from dying, then keep her from dying! Don't promise people you will do things you can't, They will believe you, especially a seven year old girl! I believed them, every single word they said. It's not fair how they lie to little kids about such important things. Well, her doctor isn't the only reason though, it's complicated. I unfold the paper my grandma gave me and start reading letters one my one. My eyes scan the paper while tears are being formed in my eyes. With every word I read, the oppressive feeling on my heart gets worse. I feel a warm tear rolling down my cheek and I close my eyes to stop them from tearing, not my best decision today. As soon as my eyes are closed I break, I didn't even know that it was possible, but I still feel tears rolling down my cheek. At first it were a few tears, but it turned into a float of tears rolling down my cheek like a waterfall. I slowly open my eyes and they immediately start to tear even faster because of the bright sunlight. I put the letter in feont of my eyrs to protect my them. When my eyes are used to the the sunlight I wipe away my tears and take a deep breath. As soon as I can see clear again, so not blurred because of the tears anymore, I continue reading. For one reason I have much less problems with reading it than before, weird. Maybe it's because of my mom. Maybe she is here, taking care of me and grandma. Grandma! I look to my left and see her crying. Oh my god! Please say it's not because of my, because I cried! I bite my lip and read the last few sentences. After I read the whole letter I open my mouth, 'Dear mom.'