I Can Never Reach You

A Mere Deluded Ideal

DRAFT:

This is simply pure oppression. From the freedom of speech and the rights to express myself, all has been shut down by my only family, my mother. She is Vietnamese, claiming to be light on the punishments and ways of the traditions of Confucianism. As previously in history, Chinese culture has been inflicted on Vietnam, hence now, the 5 key relationships remain. Ruler to subjects, Father to son, etc., and especially filial piety. It is not my wish to rebel nor reject her values on traditions, but to simply convey my opinions and thoughts. 

My mother, unheeding my thoughts, switches the topic whenever I say something deep and of an adult, insinuating how I am yet too young of a child to understand those things. She thinks of me as a mere child who does not have the rights, is unable to preach to her life lessons. That is her opinion about my words and thoughts. Of course, I deny it when she declares "Who are you to preach to me? You're my daughter and merely 15 years old. I have lived longer than you." Her pride and ego knows no bound, unheeding the last string broken in our ever tangled relationship. She always claims to be at home, unemployed for my sake, so that we can bond. Yet whenever I attempt to have a heart to heart talk, the language barrier and the generations ideologies interfere. I do try, I do... However, the person I want to reach won't comply and accept me. Must I persevere despite the struggles and damage done to my soul? I never realized how painful it is to have someone completely reject, or more worse, ignore the existence of my opinions. 

Parenting is similar to imprinting, and I realized I do not want to be like her, a mistake made by history. Stubborn is who she is and I'm afraid it has affected me. I won't deny that she has raised me with food, shelter, and education. However, she has not taught the things that are deep, dark, and rooted in history. Of course, all histories are somewhat intertwined, connected, despite its alterations since humans are biased creatures. My mother would not try to learn or understand me. She does not try, but simply claims. What a hypocrite I thought. Her parenting has made me abhor mankind; though I fully am aware that that itself is very human of me. To be prejudiced...and yet that is simply a phase. When the anger and frustration builds up, it will turn into something hideous and a beast awakes inside one's heart. Now she asks, "Why don't you talk to me?" It is because I cannot talk to you anymore. Rather, what is the point of talking when the conversation itself is mere submission and domination. That is no longer a conversation- a conversation is "a talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged." Yet, our conversation is more like you ridiculing and going with my, a child's nonsense, and simply brushing it off. And if I try to convey these thoughts and tell you that you are incorrect, "please listen to me," then you would explode and give me the traditions and seniority and superiority difference. I know that you don't know much of this era because you told me you haven' been fully educated, yet you are wise enough to live in this land. You have learned via life experiences, which is a trait I do not have yet, for I am still a child. You have the experiences I do not have, yet I have what you do not too, for which I am grateful. School and education. I thank you. Yet, when I try to share my knowledge, you look at me with annoyance or it may have been my imagination. But you show dislike when I share my new knowledge. Perhaps my way of sharing is irritating, since to you, it seems condescending. Despite the fact of my many trials and errors to share with you in different tones, you would still not heed my words because of my age. Today, I proclaim to you that I am no longer the child you thought of me. I have matured. That fact, I am aware of. Do you realize that? Despite being so close to me physically...why haven't you realized my change? Will you continue to be ignorant and unheed your child's growth?

 I have learned and know of the dirty world of adults. I am 15 years old. How much more years until I am able to talk to you as an equal? Perhaps never, taking in consideration our age gap. Time will move on, leaving you behind in the forgotten past, and I will try to adapt to the way of the new in my own unique way. I want to share with you that experience because it is the future that mankind has craved. 

Thinking all of these experiences with you, a simpler way to comprehend this story is an analogy that is similar to that of Galileo Galilei, an astronomer and philosopher thinker renowned for his inventions of the telescope and the support of the idea that the Earth is not the center of the universe. The Catholic Church did not like his idea because they believe that God has created mankind therefore the Earth must be the center. However, the irony lies in how Galileo, and most renowned thinkers, are devout Catholics. The science they experiment and study helps prove the existence of God, not deny him. Yet, because of differing views and misunderstanding, The Church sentenced most people to death and punished them harshly. But of course, the story does not end there; whenever there is a change, a ban or death from a place of authority, people are bound to be interested. It piques our interest: "Why? Why did The Church kill or ban his works? What is so particular about this that they take such lengths?" The Church wants authority, not the truth, as Galileo realized and takes back his claims, or he would have been severely punished. Yet that does not stop his thoughts and crave for the truth. The Church's ways of believing are from the bible and the teachings of Greco-Roman writers. And among many Greeks thinkers, they choose Aristotle because they purposefully like his ideas of how God and the heavens are glorified since it matches with their beliefs. Yet, Galileo proved Aristotle wrong and challenged the authority of the past. He changed the world, and The Church disliked change. I look back at history and my situation now...and compare. "How am I different from Galileo and The Church, besides his genius brain? Galileo takes back his words and appeals to The Church because that is the time of doing then. However, I don't wish to take his path, lying to my mother. If I convey this thought to my mother, as I have done so in the past, thinking that she had, if not least understood, noticed that I am capable of this maturity and can speak for myself, in actuality, she ignored my expression of my thoughts. Today, the cold reality seeps in when I noticed for the nth time how she painstakingly switches the topic. Of course, a part of this worsens partially because of her boyfriend. He too is worse than my mother, but I make no approach to him since I deem him beyond understanding me. He is more stubborn than my mother and his beliefs are firm. Perhaps I am unconsciously partaking in the abuse of knowledge superiority over my parents. Yet I claim to share...that, I am still unsure of since I have mixed feelings...Truly complicated humans we are. Simple yet complicated.

She claims to others that raising me has been a lot of work and pain since she is a single mother, hence we have been apart since I have memories. In my eyes, she is not the mother I wish to have, the ideal. I have not known the warmth of a mother since I was a child. In one instance I vividly remember how I begged her not to abandon me. As we both lay on the bed at night sleeping, my 6 years old self overhears my mom talking besides me in the night room. She talks on her phone very loudly, somewhat intentionally for me to hear, but she simply has a loud voice... She conspires with my aunt to abandon me to a temple on an isolated hill. Back then, I was afraid, I loved my mommy very much. Or was it love? I saw the other cousins as I am babysitted by my aunt everyday as my mother works to provide a living for us. They have parents who stay with them. Of course, now I understand since I am aware of the hardships. But the important part of parenting is the timing. Now, I'm afraid it's too late to amend for the lost time. 

The memory of me hugging your cold back as you talk on the phone, my whimpering, and you shrugging my arms off violently cold and emotionless. My 6 years old child's soul, loving you and believing in you shattered. I cried muffled beside you, turning my face to the wall, isolated from the world. You may have protected me with your own ways, but to me back then, you have betrayed and abandoned me. Now thinking back, perhaps it would be better for me to emancipate away from you. Even today, I asked you this with no hope or anticipation, "Have you heard of the law of emancipation?" and to her boyfriend who supposedly was a teacher in Vietnam and knows English, though I would call it half and half, but to her it is plenty. They didn't know. So I enlightened them with them not realizing my true motive and thoughts for it would be all but naught. There are much more I wish to express, but I cannot as of the moment. My train of thoughts have vanished and quelled down overtime, or else I wouldn't be able to live till this day.