Part of my journal

17-12-2022

There were so many more things that I would have liked to add. Maybe another day.

"Dream with care" / cit. Follow the sun /

Moving without knowing what is waiting for me, what I will find, that is the intriguing part. 

Every time is a new chapter of this journey called life.

I will find something new, yet unknown to me, that, at present, I cannot even imagine. New places, new faces, of which some I will call friends, a new language, a new way of living, of taking life, of thinking, new traditions, different temperatures. It is true that life through Europe does not change a lot, there are no substantial differences, yet there are little changes that often one can perceive but not immediately recognise, which still impact us.

I will undergo moments of both positive and negative emotions, for it could never be only one of the two, nonetheless I am not to know which will be prevalent.

All that I can be sure about is that I will live through experiences and intense emotions that will make me grow and shape my personality.

Before coming here, I was very reluctant to become a different version of myself, for I liked very much how I was, but, truthfully, I would be much more worried of never changing.

An intense living in a yet unknown way, isn't it fascinating?

I trust myself and I trust the process, I trust life. These feelings lead to my ideas of moving to other different places in the future.

However, there is also a decidedly difficult part that is giving me doubts, that makes me wonder if I really like traveling that much.

Leaving the beloved ones, the ones that make my life warmer, with whom I have shared many laughs, to whom I could turn when I needed support or a simple hug.

From afar, one can still talk via messages, but not give hugs. 

I define myself as a very emotional person on certain things, I get attached very easily.

I would feel so good where I lived before, I am so lucky and grateful for the peace that that place is capable of giving me and for the amazing people that I know there, I would feel so alive, I felt so much love. I will always hold it tight in my heart.

I knew it would hurt extremely to leave all of that.

Still I left, it was my own decision. It was very hard to explain at the beginning, since I myself did not know the exact true reason.

I have cried a lot before and a lot after leaving. It hurted and I did not know how to deal with it. 

I saw myself suddenly alone, unable to communicate effectively with the new world around me. There was a (little) hole in my heart and I feared it would never go away, even if I really wanted it to. I recognised that I was not prepared for that. Closing into myself became my coping mechanism.

I started looking for the same sense of warmth that I had felt before, but my melancholy did not seem to go away.

I was so scared of opening my heart again. 

"How does making friends work? I cannot recall it."

"Do I keep trying to be nice with everybody, even if my feeling of loneliness does not seem to get better? Or is it better to take myself some time to be isolated and wait, the right people will eventually come, in the meantime I should focus on myself, on my well-being? I would do myself harm, though, if I voluntarily isolated myself."

Reasoning on the nature of social bonds may be very challenging and with no final answers, yet I was confused, I would have liked to know how to act, how to live. Couldn't there be a manual? :)

Opening myself to others meant exposing myself to the risk of experiencing that intense pain again. I would leave again sooner or later and I did not know if I could bear it. Nevertheless, avoiding the negative emotions means refusing the positive ones as well. 

Ups and downs.

The mix of emotions when I was going back to my homeland was so potent and so confusing at the same time. I could perceive that I had changed, not in a good nor bad way, simply changed. I could see a slight difference in attitude in my peers. I got somewhat detached from my friends, it had been necessary to acclimate here and to stop missing them constantly. 

I felt as one same person belonging to two different worlds. Few were able to comprehend it, to understand how hard and destabilising it was every time.
Those people, though, are a real treasure. 

In the end it is true what they say, time heals (almost) everything.

During the whole time there were people supporting me, helping me to go through these emotions that, anyway, I would have had to figure out mostly alone. 

Awesome people, I am really thankful to have found them.

I settled in this place, I got used to the new environment, to the mentality, the people.

I am glad I came here. I have grown. I have gained a new stability within myself. 

A profundity of emotions that was meant to be there and that, in the end, enriched me very much.

Finally, I feel that I have found love again. It was a difficult, puzzling process. I am still slightly afraid of it, of losing it. I needed time. I could not see it at the beginning, but love was there and it could wait for me to be ready to welcome it. I have what I can call a family here too. I feel at home.

Someday I will move again, I will go somewhere else. It is disconcerting that wherever I will be, there will always be something that I will be missing. 

But I am also so grateful for all of this. 

Existence is a mystery. It may be extremely hard or sincerely easy. There are no rules, there is no wrong nor right. The path is different for everybody. 

It will be shaped by strong unpleasant feelings, marvellous ones, emptiness, fulfillments, moments of deep contemplation, lessons. 

It is a journey. 

No one knows where it will lead to, but there is no need to. 

It is a journey of nows. 

We need to take care of ourselves too, we are the ones going through it. 

I wish for everybody to find their way and to always notice the things that can bring a smile. I wish for everyone to live things that light the soul. 

I am grateful for life.

Thank you♥️.