Part of my journal

04-06-2023

Listening to /homecoming/ of Kanye West

What am I doing?
I had the intention of going running, but it's raining unfortunately.
So I'm writing instead, so as to voice my feelings.

I came back one week ago from Poland. For the first time ever, while going to Italy, I wished that I could have stayed longer in Poland.
I finished my exams the 19th of may and then had only one week to have some final meetings with my friends. I felt so relieved after finishing high school and everything seemed to be going well with my social life. I had friends I could count on, I was going to parties, having fun.
And then, suddenly, I was in Italy again. I really didn't want to.
I finally felt as if I had reached a balance there; breaking it is never easy.
I was going to the gym often, I felt self-confident, I spent much time with myself (and yes, felt kind of lonely), I had close friends, but not those to whom I needed to express myself entirely.
This was my balance.
Coming back here, I suddenly am in company so often that I sense that I may lose myself very quickly. People around me are different, the habits, the attitude, the mentality in some aspects. I restore the old friendships. I am not sure whether I am just pretending to fit in, so that I can have fun in a superficial way. It is not equal with everyone of course. It may be that the difference that grew between us doesn't actually matter, but we all know that we have changed during these two years.
I have definitely reevaluated my perception of friendship during this time.

I'm listening to rap, I'm going running, I don't feel at peace with myself at all, I fear I may be trying to run away from my feelings, cats don't have this instant love for me as before, I am more withdrawn and reluctant to disclose personal information.
It may be temporary, but it is all temporary anyway.

I want close friends, people near me who understand me and to whom I can talk about everything; on the other hand I'd rather keep superficial friendships, so that I can simply go out and have fun without much emotional engagement. Being hurt every time is not that worth it, right?

I am also aware that I get influenced so easily from the people I have around and that startles me.

I had a meeting with a classmate the second-to-last day I was in Poland. He's a person I highly esteem and for whom I even had a little crush for a little while, even though I never paid actual attention to it. Although I had never talked to him much before that day and I'm glad I could get to know him better. I later discovered that there's a great chance that he had had a crush on me for a very long time. I felt so honored by that. It literally boosted my self esteem. I was pissed off to have discovered it only at the last, I wish I knew sooner. Since that day I started listening to the rap music that he likes and have had a slight change in attitude in some things.
That's why I'm very concerned by the influence I get from people. And that was one single meeting.

Some days ago I was asked if I was a foreigner. I was absolutely dismayed. Have I changed my pronunciation in two years? What am I studying languages for then? Will I lose my English as soon as I stop studying it as well?
And what about my social life? Do I want to keep my friendships here? Do I really want to establish new ones? Or do I rather keep preferring my solitude and the time for myself, renouncing to some of all the meetings I am being invited to?

Everything seems so messy in my head right now and all that I am doing is pushing it back inside so that I don't have to deal with it.

To future updates 🐙.

I apologise for my English, I have the impression that it is a bit lacking today.