Part of my journal

16-01-2023

Listening to /days of experience/

These pages may become extremely repetitive. 

When I open tik tok or I watch insta's reels it is usually for two reasons: or I expect to see funny videos or motivational ones. One can find so much advice to live better, experiences of others to learn from, motivational speeches, thought-provoking questions. Which is great, but it is not what I want to discuss. 

One question that once touched me was more or less the following: "for what reason do you wake up in the morning?"

Well, I had no answer and I really started wondering about it. 

In the life that I conduct here, when the weekend arrives and I do not have to go to school, I sleep till around 11 or 12. It is not that I need it, nor that I have nothing to do, but I know that when I wake up I'll live a tedious, monotonous and repetitive day that I already experience every day of every week. Sleeping, obviously, is a more inviting option, even if it is not highly productive. That annoying, unpleasant feeling of boredom, a lack of enthusiasm that brings me to do literally nothing for hours. I do not know what is the reason for such a state of mind, because other times I have moments of genuine love for life itself, when I feel happy and grateful to exist for no particular reason. 

I would really like to get rid of those feelings of apparent apathy.

For however joyful I may appear sometimes, there is a more profound feeling inside of me that plays as a background. 

I learned things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise, I grew as a person, it gave me a lot. Was it worth it? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. But yet, I wonder sometimes to what extent. That background, blue feeling is always there. I know that some psychological help would certainly do me good, still I will not look for any, not for the moment at least. 

Coming back to my homeland, in certain moments I need to remind myself that my friends never left, it was me; I need to remind myself that they never stopped being there for me, that they still care. 

Unluckily, I truly feel it only when I come back, when I can actually see them.

I questioned some friendships a lot. Wasn't it the simple illusion of a strong bond that I thought would last forever but that, in fact, was just the matter of that moment of my life, realistically? People change, I change. Who knows. 

Of course, they have their life, I have mine, things are separated.

I never thought of what they may feel when I come back. It is just a person you knew that you are gonna meet again once or twice, nothing "special" of that right?

Some of my friends are so patient, I wonder how they are still there. It's true, at the beginning it was complicated, I had to recognise and get used to my new feelings, but now that much time has passed it should be somewhat more normal, settled. However, sometimes I behave as a very distant, detached friend, it is not that I do not care, I do not truly know the reason, but I am still surprised that some people were good enough to accept the situation without actually understanding it fully.