Reformation

1: Hesitant

Debbi and Jeff always acted so strange around me.

They acted like I was a child, even though they were only a few years older than me. Whenever I wanted to join their conversation, they would say "It's adult stuff." Then they would giggle and kiss. I didn't understand how mature the stuff they were talking about was, most of the time they were talking about birds they had saw or the days counting down until their anniversary. But I would always push hard enough and they would tell me. Even the day Debbi told me she was pregnant. She was hesitant to tell me, thinking I was still a child, but she told me before she even told Jeff. When she told me, I thought it was a cover up for something else. Or she was fooling with me to teach me a lesson. I was hesitant to believe. Like I am now.

"No I'm not." I pulled the test back and saw the pink plus sign. This wasn't happening.

"Arizona! You should be happy!"

"You said it yourself. It may not work the first time. You need a few to make sure it's right." I dropped the test into her hand and pulled another one from the box. I marched back into the stall and squeezed out as much pee as I could. I pulled it away. Positive.

I walked back out of the stall and gave the test to Jane, who squealed in delight.

"One more. I'll show you." I pulled another test from the box and walked back into the stall. I did the same thing. Another pink cross.

I threw it into the sink and crouched down on the floor, my head in my hands. This wasn't happening. I'm not pregnant. The tests are broken. This is a joke. Jane is pranking me. I couldn't be pregnant. I wasn't pregnant. I didn't want to have a child.

"They are broken. Or expired."

"I checked the box. They aren't expired. Arizona this is great! If it's a girl, you should name it Charlotte, I like that name."

I stood up. "No we aren't naming it! It's not great! I can't have a kid! I can barely take care of myself!"

"I think you having a kid would be great. I'm going to be an aunt!" She was jumping up and down.

"Sorry to break your spirits, but you're not." I went back into the mirror cabinet to find abortion pills.

"Arizona, you can't just get rid of it."

"Yes I can."

She put a hand on my arm. "It's not just your child. It's Ryan's too."

"Well I'm the one carrying it in my uterus so I get to make that decision."

She slammed the cabinet shut.

Tears filled my eyes. "Jane! Let me do this! You don't get to decide!"

"Just think about it-"

"I have thought! I don't want a child! Do you hear me?! Not like this! I'm not having a child!"

I collapsed onto the floor in sobs. She put a hand on my shoulder.

"Go away! Just find some abortion pills and go away!"

"I have to tell Ryan-"

I looked up. "No, please don't. Please, please, please don't."

"It's his child!"

"I get to make that decision."

"No! I won't let you! It's not just yours! You are the only one who wants to get rid of it!"

"Well I'm the mother!" It sounded so strange. Me, a mom. No, I needed to stop thinking like that. I wasn't going to put my child through the pain of the apocalypse.