I Love You Just the Way You Are (Book 1- Rock Canyon Series)

Chapter 15 - Maddie

Chapter 15 – Maddie

I'm running as fast as I can. I've got to get out of here. That idiot had every kid in the school looking at me.

A loud bang erupted behind me and I spun around. I see the brown eyes and wavy hair and I curl my toes, preparing to spring, ready to take this asshole's face off. 

"Are you okay?" he asked, palms out in surrender, eyes puppied to the max. I wanted to spit at him.

Don't you dare try to control me or this situation or anything! You're nothing to me!

"Who the HELL made YOU my protector?" I said as I began pacing in a small circle, holding his eyes in mine until I felt like releasing them.

"I don't know, I-"

"You have no right!" I thrust my finger up at his face. "Why did you do this? Why are you bringing even more attention to me?"

He stared disbelieving, making the same face as when he found out I was trans. I wanted to kick him in the balls so hard he'd never be able to walk again.

"Were you there this morning?" He pleaded. "Those guys were being aggressive. There were six of them, Maddie. Six. I don't know what they were after, but the one guy was getting ready to punch you after you tossed your books at him. They weren't going to let you get away without a fight. If I wasn't there-"

"If you weren't there, I would have slit their throats and danced in their blood."

He blinked and looked at me incredulously, the faintest hint of his lips curving after he processed exactly what I'd said. He chuckled. 

"Are you always so morbid and intense?"

I blew a stray piece of hair away that had stubbornly stuck to my bottom lip. When it fell back, I shrugged and looked sideways at Kellan.

"I don't know, maybe? Why do you care?"

"I don't know, Maddie. I just do. Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm trying to help you. You're going to get hurt if someone doesn't put an end to this. I don't know why everyone is threatened by you, but they are. I mean, it's not like you don't see this stuff on TV or the internet-"

"This stuff? This stuff? This is my life, Kellan! I-"

His hands immediately shot up. "I know, I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant it shouldn't be surprising for people when someone comes to school... looking like you. And a person being different than normal shouldn't be a reason to start laughing every time they walk by. You're just being you. And I'm just trying to help you. Don't you see that?"

I sighed and looked down, but watched him discreetly out of the corner of my eye. I saw him relax and take a few steps toward me. There was an immediate tugging on my heart to let go, to let him in, but I ignored it, knowing I needed to put an end to this before I gave in to that temptation.

I wasn't getting my heartbroken when he came to his senses and rejected me. It was time to make this crystal clear so that he'd finally leave me alone.

"How many girlfriends have you had Kellan?" I crossed my arms together and cocked my hip.

"What?" Kellan jerked back as if he'd been shot. Of all the questions he could have expected, this was probably nowhere near the top of the list. He looked perplexed. Can't say I didn't enjoy it.

"Actually... none." He shifted his weight from side to side. I hated to admit it but I liked making him nervous.

I closed my eyes for a moment and laughed. "No, that's... not quite what I meant. I meant... how many girls have you been with?"

"Oh... umm... I don't really know." He blushed and looked down.

"Exactly. It's been one after the other. I haven't been to this school in almost a year and even I know that."

Kellan's gaze remained on his shoes. I felt bad, just like I did at the café weeks ago when I thought I was putting an end to this. Because I appreciated what he did for me at school, I really did. But if he was doing this because he thought he was interested in me, I was going to save us both the inevitable heartache.

"Kellan, this is what has happened. You saw me over the summer. You thought I was something different than what I am. You thought I was the new girl on the block, someone you hadn't met. I wasn't your normal type, but I intrigued you. I was something unique, something not usually on your menu. You got curious and you wanted to try it, to try me. I became your next target."

I paused and brushed back my hair. The wind had picked up, blowing small bits of sand around that stung me in the eyes. I tried to smile even though what I had to say next ripped me apart.

"The really insulting thing is... the part of all this that hurt the most all summer... was realizing that if I had all the attributes of your other girlfriends, and we... hung out and stuff... I'd last for what, three months? Max? Probably a lot less and then you would have moved on without thinking twice. Go ahead and deny it."

He finally took his eyes off the ground and looked at me like a puppy dog who had just been beaten by his beloved owner. I had the sudden urge to kiss him, but that would be the worst mixed signal to send. I kept my face tight, the emotion locked within.

"I'm not like those other girls, Kellan. I'm not interested in being used. You would have broken my heart. I would have just been the next in line. And that really hurts.

"But I don't even have what you're looking for anyway. And you know that. So... thanks for helping me. Thanks for standing up for me. I know you think you're doing the right thing. I respect that. But now you can let it go. I'm not what you want... and Kellan?"

I'm terrified my voice is going to break because I'm about to lie to him. But I have to do this. I have to protect myself in the long run. He's going to eventually move on, and I don't want to be around when he does.

I looked deep into his eyes, hoping he can't see through mine, to the little girl that's crying inside for him to hold her, to tell her that she doesn't have to worry about protecting herself.

The sun was at his back, his muscular body rigid and tensed toward what must have felt like a firing squad. I took a deep breath and squeezed the trigger with a whisper.

"You're definitely not what I want."

I held his eyes for another moment and then slowly turned and walked way, a small part of me dying with each step.

"Wait! Don't!" he shouted at my back, and I could hear the tears in his voice. I stopped but didn't dare turn around. I couldn't. I didn't want him to see me crying, too.

"Don't what?" I choked out.

"I don't know... just don't walk away. I don't want this to end..."

I started walking.

"It never began."