New Ink

Keep Dreaming

Joey Drew's POV

Surrounded by makeup, I look through it: blush, lipstick, foundation, all sorts of makeup, and in front of me was a mirror. I picked out some makeup that was offered and began putting it on. For a man wanting to wear makeup in the 70s, it was very strange and dangerous. However, in this dream, I was able to put on a red, gorgeous, dress and be able to walk outside like it was no big deal. People admire me as I walk passed them, their faces give off a surprised but good look, girls tell me how good I look, and men just stare at me. I end up at a restaurant where I see a friend that I have had feelings for since the beginning. I walk towards them, all pretty, and sit down with them. We start talking and talking, conversations I don't remember, and then I end up on a dance floor, slow dancing with my handsome friend that seem like we were more than friends. Our movements are in sync, one gentle step at a time. We embrace ourselves as we inch up toward each other's lips, their lips were so beautiful, so bright, and tender. Our lips, centimeters away from each other, until I get drawn to this dark abyss. I reach out for help but no one comes, then I appear in front of my parents. The disappointed look on their faces looking at their son dressed in makeup and a dress. The fear of them knowing about these thoughts and feelings struck fear in me, in which I stand in fear, with no words, no nothing. "Joey we raised you to be a man, not no faggot." My father said, my mother, agreeing with him. Their words wrap my head around like my head was going to explode from the dagger of insults.

BOOM!

I wake up. I look around and felt myself around me, it was just a dream. I was just wearing my sleep clothes and no makeup. I get outta bed to look at the time, 8:49 am. I yawn heavily and did my normal morning stretches, I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. What stared back at me was someone I wanted to erase my whole life. My identity felt like a knife, cutting me one by one, the stings lingering hurts the most. I am not the one who made those evil and monstrous decisions, locking everyone away for decades just so my friend, a person, my daughter, could find my ruins and fix them for me. That is the person that I am looking back at in the mirror; the person that I'm impersonating. I wish one day I could just look like the person I am in my dreams, wearing makeup, dressing up, going out, and having people stare and compliment me.

I shake the thoughts from my head and face the real world as I have been for years. I do the things I need to do in the bathroom and walk out. I get my normal clothes but my heart is in agony, trying to get me to not wear the clothes I normally wear. I put on the clothes and walked out of my bedroom.
"Good morning dad!" A girl called out, I smile and walk towards my little girl; my daughter, Audrey. "Morning sweetie, where's Allison?" I greet her back. I sit on the kitchen stool waiting for a response, "Oh she went out to get some things with Tom I believe?" She responded. "Hm ok, say what is ya cooking?" I question her again, "Cooking up some fried eggs but I'm putting some seasoning in them because one of my friends says that putting nothing in eggs is a 'white people crime'." I laugh at her explanation. She finishes her cooking and gives me a plate of fried eggs and gets her a plate and sits down. "Did you know they are doing these things called 'Balls'?" I looked up at Audrey, confused and curious, she noticed I was confused and explained what they were. "Balls is when gay or trans people come together and dress up for categories! It's like pageants! You get prizes and recognition from other queer people! There's one near us and Allison and I are going!" Audrey spat out all at once, she couldn't control her excitement about it. I smiled while having thoughts of how incredible a ball was. "That's an amazing sweetie, but don't you think it'll be dangerous?" I worry, she reassures me "dangerous? No! Plus if someone was trying to 'protest' against us, the butches would probably have them gone in a jiffy!" Audrey cracks up when she mentions and butches, "I was also wondering if you would like to come along? Allison wouldn't mind!" Me? Going to a ball? My heart starts pounding as if I was waiting for this moment to happen. Maybe this is a chance to see a side of me that everyone cheers and praises. "A Ball? Well, maybe I could, it'll be strange having people seeing us in a queer event." I wondered about, "Nah, I think we'll get recognized but that's all." Audrey answered. "Ok well, once again, just have to see Audrey." I repeated to her, and nods her head "Yes I know dad! I hope you can join us though! I'll talk to you later I needa to get going!" Audrey and I exchange 'I love yous' and I was left alone again.

Still, in the kitchen eating, I zone out for a while, thinking about the ball my daughter invited me to. What if this is the moment I could be happy? Seeing other people whose dreams come to reality makes mine possible. But at the same time, I'm nervous, what if people who know us well see us going to a Ball? What if people try to go after her and others?
I shake off the thoughts and reminded myself this is a good thing, not just for me, but for my daughter. She's been telling me for a while about how she wants to help against AIDS and gay rights, I've been telling her "You can't just say that you want to help with these things but it never comes. You have to do it so people can have someone powerful to look up to and prove others wrong." Even though bad stuff could happen to the company, which I'm worried about, I always remind myself that at least I'm helping the people I care for.

I awake from my mind from a knocking, I stumble up out of my chair and go to look through the peephole and see it's a good friend, a friend that has been in my dreams for a while. I try to get my mind in the right place before I open the door. "Well hello, Henry! Surprise seeing you here, come, have a seat." I welcome him in, "Hi Joey, I just wanted to visit ya, is Audrey here?" Henry questioned, his lingering figure shadowing me, "No, sorry, she left a bit ago for work." I answered. We both walk into the living room and sit on the couch.
Henry and I tell each other about our mornings and conversations coming one by one, it reminds me of younger us, which makes me happy.
Two hours go by and Henry looks at his watch "Oh shit, I gotta go, Joey, work ya know?" I help gather his things and give them to him. We walk to the door and as he almost leaves he turns around like he forgot something, "Joey, before I leave-" his tone was nervous as if the question was nagging at him for a while. "Yea?" I look up at him, he looked very nervous, now I knew this is a question he has been meaning to ask for a while. For me, I get nervous, what if it is something bad? Henry gathers his words and says "Do you maybe want to go out for dinner? Maybe tonight? There's a seafood place that I want to go to but I want someone with me, and I remembered you like seafood so you're my only shot." His question make my heart beat faster, the words wrap my head like a warm fire just set off. I know what I want to say to him but it feels like a clump of energy is about to burst off, but I don't want Henry to think I've been wanting him to ask me this question for a while. I haven't- ish. "So?" Henry broke into my thoughts. I stood staggered trying to find the right way to put the words together. "Um, sure Henry! Would glad to go out to dinner with you!" My voice sounded bored like I didn't want to the dinner with him. "Ok, so can I pick you up around 8 tonight?" Henry smirked. His smirk let off my smile, like a firework, my entire body blowing up. "Sure, just when you come, knock, so I'll know I need to hurry things up!" I say with a chuckle, he also chuckled at my sentence.
We wave our goodbyes until 8 pm rolls around, I close the door and when the door clicked shut, I burst out in excitement "YESS!!" I yell out like In a family game show. In all my years, I have never been this excited about going to dinner with someone, but this someone is a man I've dreamed about dancing across the dance floor with. And this dream may finally come to a reality. A reality that I sure won't mess up again.