All My Fanfics

Please don't

Warning: swearing, anxiety attacks, umm nakedness ahem, mentions of drugs, rape, alcohol and abuse
summary: based of this prompt from phanfic: "Dan used to have an abusive boyfriend, so when Phil yells at Dan for the first time, he expects to be hit and gets so frightened he wets himself. He starts crying from embarrassment but Phil assures him that he is the one who should be embarrassed bc of his behaviour as he should have remembered not to yell at him. (Perhaps a bath together then who knows I like baths........)"
word count: 1293, sorrrrry

Covering it up physically wasn't the hard part. All it took was a little foundation here, some concealer there, and a few extra sweaters in his closet. No, that wasn't what Dan was worried about. What really terrified him was his emotional scars. He's seen enough shrinks to last a lifetime (though most were christian ones who specialised in conversion therapy, thanks to his homophobic parents), so he wasn't going back there. He wasn't going back to rooms that smelled like antibiotics and psychiatrists that said 'Mhm' so much that it rang in his ears for days after. It wasn't worth it.

Soon he found a gorgeous, blue-eyed, raspberry-smelling shrink - not really, though he did major in psychology - with beautiful hair and an adorable smile who kissed every scar he hated, emotional or physical. He took the time to hold Dan's hand as he was sobbing through withdrawals, or pat his back when he was vomiting into a toilet bowl. He kicked the toilet door down when Dan locked himself in there and threatened to kill himself, and he sat with Dan for two hours straight when he was having his worst anxiety attack to date, whispering comforting words and stroking his palm.

Dan risked his own life, sneaking out of Kade's house just to see Phil once or twice a fortnight, if he was lucky. That's how much Phil meant to him. "Why are you always so busy?" Phil asked one day, about two months into their relationship, sitting on a bench at Hyde Park. "Why can't you ever see me? Is it someone else?"

Phil looked so forlorn and upset, and Dan didn't know what to do. If Dan said anything about how he could die, about how Kade would beat him to a pulp, about how Kade would forcibly inject heroin into his system just to prove some kind of sick point, he was positive Phil would run. "I... I'm honestly feeling very scared to tell you," he finally said after some time.
"I hope you know that you can tell me anything, Dan. If you aren't ready, please don't feel pressured, but if you need to talk to me, please do." Phil leaned forward and pecked Dan's mouth, as his lower lip was beginning to quiver. "Don't cry, bear. Please. Just smile," Phil mumbled, giving a sad smile, ignoring all the passers-by giving them looks.

"I have an abusive boyfriend and he hits me and he raped me and I feel so fucking shitty all the time and... fuck," he swore, letting it all out in one long string, terrified he would stop mid-sentence if he delayed.
And from then on, Dan never looked back. Phil helped him through it, and Dan finally plucked up the courage to call the police and run. To Phil, of course. Phil gladly allowed Dan into his home, excited to be able to kiss him every morning and night, make him coffee and treat Dan like a queen.

"Dan, have you seen my... uh, you know, the thing! The shirt with the things?" Phil called out from his room. No reply. "Um, Daniel? Have you?" Phil exited his room, without his shirt, genuinely confused. Then, he heard a whimper from the bathroom, and he groaned.

He found Dan in the bathroom, on the floor, crying and rocking back and forth, breathing heavily. "Okay, Dan, we can get through this. Now remember, in through the nose..." Dan breathed in, holding out his hand for Phil to hold, "... out through the mouth."

Ten minutes ticked by, and Dan got up. He looked at Phil, who was looking away, not wanting to meet Dan's eyes. "Phil, I'm sorry."

"Please don't fucking apologise to me. God, I feel so mean saying this, because I know you can't control it, but, just, hmm." Phil walked out of the bathroom and entered the kitchen, leaning against the counter.
"Maybe we should try new medicine, or maybe we should do yoga, or,"

"Or maybe you should see a fucking therapist! I'm not qualified, Dan. You could die and I could be responsible." Phil paced up and down, running his fingers through his hair. "It's just so fucking hard!" He roared, tilting his head upwards.

Dan could hear his heart pounding in his ears, he could feel the blood coursing through his veins, he could feel his instincts shouting run run run but where to? His lungs were expanding, rapidly now, and his ribcage was closing in, please don't do this please don't I'm so tired please, he thought desperately. Mind over body mind over body...

"Please don't hurt me, please! Don't hit me I swear I've been good, I swear to god Phil I swear. I'll do anything just please don't hurt me... I can't take it anymore Phil please Phil please Phil please..." he whisper-screamed, collapsing on the floor onto his knees, holding his hands out, intertwining his ten fingers. A warm stream of liquid ran down the side of his leg as he shouted and when he realised what he had done he started to sob. He sobbed at the injustice of being born gay and having hateful parents who disowned him, he sobbed at meeting Kade and falling into mad, blind love, he sobbed at being so fucked up and having such a perfect boyfriend that he would inevitably be left brokenhearted.

"Oh, bear, oh no. Oh, fuck, oh shit, my baby, just, please stop crying. Okay, lets get you cleaned up, come on," Phil bent down to pick up his boyfriend who was really just a hot mess at that moment. Dan was surprisingly light for his size, and he buried his face into the crook of Phil's neck, practically wailing.

Phil ran a warm bath for Dan, leaving to to fill up as he helped Dan strip, pulling off his pants and wiping up his legs. Dan's crying had toned down to quiet sniffles, and he began his apologies. "God, fuck, I'm sorry."

"No, Dan."

"I'm so fucking embarrassed, oh my god."

"Dan, shut up."

"But..."

"I'm the one that should be apologising. I can't believe I shouted. It was rude and I should have remembered that you would have reacted that way. I hope you can forgive me for being such an idiot."

At this point, the bath seemed about done, so Phil just threw in whichever bath bomb was closest and took off his clothes. It really wasn't anything sexual, Phil just wanted to calm Dan down, and he knew that Dan really enjoys warm baths.

Dan attempted to stand up and get into the bath, but just ended up stumbling in on himself before collapsing back onto the toilet seat. He was so drained, physically and emotionally. He had never had two panic attacks in a row and he felt like collapsing. Phil helped him into the bath. The warm water relaxed him, it reminded him of how warm Phil's hands were, all the time. Phil was scrubbing Dan's back with a loofa, and Dan felt like melting into him.

"I'd understand if you want to leave me," Dan finally managed after a few minutes.
Phil's scrubbing stopped. He looked into Dan's eyes, and said in the most clear voice, "I love you."

And that was that. There were no more words to say. Phil loved Dan, and Dan loved Phil. Dan would say it later of course, because at this point Dan was too happy to speak, but he did.

"I won't leave you. I'll never leave you." Phil whispered, more to himself than Dan, and Dan smiled. Dan was so sleepy, but he managed, "So you definitely don't have a pee fetish?"