Other Girls of Gilmore Girls: The Lindsay Lister Story

Chapter 3

View Along: Flashback to S2 E19 Teach Me, Tonight

"I think Dean was flirting with me," I said to Abby as I grabbed her arm at the end of the day.

"Say that again?"

"I think," I stopped and looked over my shoulder to make sure no one could hear. "I think Dean was flirting with me."

"And is that something you like?"

I kept walking with Abby at my side. Did I like it? "He's stupid cute," I finally answered, laughing.

"Oh my wow, I know. And he has never been single."

"Never. Right. I never thought about Dean because he wouldn't even look at anyone else when he was with Rory."

"So you know he is faithful as they come."

Abby and I were a block away from the school. I turned around to look back, hoping to see Dean outside so I could make a list of all the things that were good about him. Tall and cute, we knew that. Super faithful. Good college plans.

"He's like a 10 out of 10, isn't he?" I asked Abby. "Right here. I thought I'd have to be like 20 before I found someone good."

My last boyfriend was Daniel Leo. He graduated last year, and we were together for five months. I liked when boys were interested in me because it felt like confirmation that everything was fine with me. But the part where I actually had to talk to them was always weird. Before Daniel, sometimes I would sit quietly next to them or stay silent on the phone. Sometimes holding hands or hugging felt fine, and sometimes it made me nervous or like I should be somewhere else. It was never as easy or fun as I thought it should be. Truthfully, and I wouldn't even tell Abby this, I was scared that they would want to have sex at some point, and I didn't want to. The whole thing felt so far away from me. Like it hadn't been a part of my life yet, so why would it be now? There was always talk about a few people who possibly had, but I didn't know for sure. My fear was getting involved with a guy who had, so he would expect it. But then also a guy who hadn't still might expect it after some time. I discovered it would be safest if I talked to the ones who showed interest and then let it slowly disappear. We might go out at night to walk around town, and sit on a bench, and make out, but that was all it ever was.

What made Daniel so different was that he was devoutly Christian, and he had absolutely no plans to have sex until after marriage. He was easy to talk to and very nice to me. I was never scared or nervous around him. He was planning on going to a Christian university in a different state, so at that year's movie night in the square, I asked him about the fall.

"What about it?"

"What do you think we'll do?" It was as direct as I could be.

"I'll be home during breaks and some weekends. We could see each other then."

I thought of all the other girls at college who were older than me, while I would still be in high school. The projector lit up the screen in the middle of town.

"Oh no," I said.

"What?"

"It's a film by Kirk." Kirk was everywhere in Stars Hollow, working any job he could get and helping with town events, but he still lived with his mom and was usually worth avoiding. "Kirk made a movie?" I asked no one as Daniel and I sat transfixed on the screen in front of us. Kirk had filmed himself in black and white. "Where else could someone make their own short movie and then force an audience to watch it?" Daniel laughed as the scene in front of us cut back and forth between each character, sitting without speaking. "Is this the tension?"

I couldn't respond, partly because I wanted to see what Kirk would do next, and partly because his stupid movie interrupted my important conversation with Daniel.

On screen, Kirk stood up and said to a man: "I love your daughter."

The man responded: "Who are you to love my daughter."

At that moment, Daniel grabbed my hand and squeezed it. He leaned over and whispered, "We can finish talking after the movie." He paused. "After the real movie, not this one."

I had to sit through another minute of Kirk dancing on screen, the people of Stars Hollow watching like it was legitimate, as well as through the entirety of The Yearling before I could talk to Daniel again. By then, I couldn't figure out how to bring it up.

"So."

"So." Daniel held my hand for the walk home. "I heard that that girl that used to be in your grade got into a car accident."

"Who?"

"Lane's friend?"

"Rory? Rory Gilmore?"

"Totaled the car."

"Oh my goodness!" I took a few more steps, the conversation so far from where I wanted it to be. "Is she ok?"

"I only heard about it, but I heard she's fine. A little hurt, but nothing serious."

"Well that's good. Wow."

"Lindsay Lister?"

"Yes?"

"I like you. A lot. I would like to continue to court you even when I go to college."

"Oh."

We had to turn the corner onto my block, and my house was too near to say much else. Under the tree in front, Daniel kissed me good night, and I wrapped my arms around him even though I couldn't feel the shape of him under his jacket. He was somewhere in there, safe, but not quite touchable. He would always touch me lightly on the jaw or hair. "Good night," he said, and he walked himself home.

I didn't want to be a serious girlfriend at home while the boyfriend is off at college, but I couldn't say that that wasn't what I wanted. Why couldn't I just say it?

I wrote a letter that night instead, and I gave it to Daniel the following week after reading and re-reading it to make sure it was perfect. I told him to take it home and read it. We could talk later.

Daniel was so lovely and so kind. He would make a great boyfriend and great husband to anyone, but it wasn't me. After breaking up with him, I felt powerful. If I dumped a guy when nothing was wrong, at all, I could do anything.

Two weeks later, Abby and I snuck beers out of her parents' garage fridge, but I felt so bad after. I realized I needed to find somewhere between dumping good Christian boys and underage drinking. That was my comfort with risky behavior. Abby agreed.

After Daniel, I spent that summer and most of my senior year so far willing to talk to the boys who showed interest, but even with a breakup and beer behind me, they still didn't feel safe enough. I was never comfortable, and they were all really stupid in different ways.

But Dean wasn't stupid yet.

"I'm not saying I like him, because I don't, but I think I could," I told Abby. She squealed at me. "So good," she said. I asked her what made it so good and she said it was because he was like a Daniel plus. An upgraded good guy.

Upgraded good guy. That could work.