Other Girls of Gilmore Girls: The Lindsay Lister Story

Chapter 6

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That weekend Dean picked me up in his mom's car and took me to Hartford. He said he didn't want to surprise me, so he ran the plan past me first, and it was all so wonderful and thoughtful. I decided to pull the right side of my hair back a little and hold it with an engraved clip that was my mom's when she was younger. It was a gift from my grandma, and I liked having that thread back to her. I hoped it would keep me calm.

We started at the Wadsworth Art Museum, which was under construction. Dean said he would understand if I didn't want to go there, with many things being packed away or on loan due to the construction, but he thought it might end up being less busy and exciting to see something in transition.

We walked the halls choosing areas to duck into. "I like transition," he told me.

"Are you in transition?" I asked trying to see what he would say.

"I am. You want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. I wasn't sure what "it" was, but this is how I would get to know this freaking adorable boy better. He signaled to a bench, and we sat down together.

"I was in a relationship for two years about, and I put so much of my time and so much of myself into that relationship. When I realized for about half of it, maybe even more than half of it, that none of that was reciprocated? Lindsay, it was awful. I felt stupid; I felt angry; I felt really less than. I didn't like it. I wasn't even sad when the relationship ended. I was resentful, and now I think that is even worse. So yes, I was in a long-term relationship and now I'm not. I already transitioned."

"I was in a five-month relationship, and I wasn't that sad when it ended either," I admitted.

"I don't think I knew that."

I told Dean about Daniel. I gave him the short version, but included the part about feeling powerful in being able to make the decision to end a relationship I didn't want. Dean said that was good for me, and I was better at it than he was. He fooled himself for nearly a year before he could do the same.

"Do you think," I took a breath. "You would still be with Rory if Jess hadn't come to town?"

Dean looked away. "I would never be able to predict that, but I don't think so. It if wasn't Jess, it would be anyone or anything else that came along. It wasn't Jess that ended the relationship. It was me realizing I deserved more." He faced me again. "Ready?"

We stood up and walked around the galleries some more, pointing out what we saw in the artwork as we were learning to point out what we saw in each other.

Dean took me to First and Last Tavern after. The restaurant had been around since the 1930s and offered any type of pizza or Italian food a person could want. My arms felt shaky as I held the menu. I looked at Dean and the nervousness stopped. He was safe.

He smiled at me and told me he could make a recommendation or two if I wanted, but he was sure I would find something I'd like on the menu. "This might sound weird," I started, "but this is better than I thought it would be."

"Ok," he laughed. "That's a compliment, right? I'm taking it as one."

After dinner, we walked back to Dean's car. I matched my pace to his and walked a little closer than I had before. "Hey," he said to me, "I'm going to hold your hand. Is that ok?"

I nodded as he fit his fingers in between mine as we made our way back to his car.

On the drive home I watched the streetlights flit past, leaving trails in my eyes. Like the night itself, I couldn't hold on to it. At my house, Dean and I sat in the backyard in the chairs my mom had brought out now that the weather was warming.

"You said you weren't going to college, but what do you think you will do?" he asked me.

"Million dollar question, Dean." I sighed. "I say I got off track when my grandma passed, but I wasn't even on that track, honestly. I want to take time to do things I haven't done before. I don't have a calling to go to college. I don't think I've said that out loud! I don't want a high-powered career. I just want to be."

"Just be."

"Right? I want a family and a nice home. I want to take care of them and have the biggest impact on that small group of people. I don't need to have a big impact on everyone. Big impact on my small family. My grandma did it. My mom did it. That's what I want."

"I am really impressed that you know what you want like that. You should be proud. I don't have a clue myself, so I look up to you."

I smiled, I could say something about his heigh, but Dean pointed at me: "No tall jokes! I set myself up there." I kept my tall joke to myself. And just like that night on the phone, we couldn't run out of things to talk about if we tried, but I knew I had to get inside before too long or it would be a while before I was ever allowed outside of the house again. "I should go inside. Curfew." I rolled my eyes, but Dean stood up right away. I did too, and he took a step closer to me and stopped. I wanted him closer, so I took a step toward him. Inches apart, Dean leaned toward me, and I put my lips on his. He was soft and gentle; his lips fit into mine in a way I didn't know was possible. I took a breath through my nose and wrapped both arms around his neck. Dean stayed with me, pulling my body against his. The moment boiled up from my toes straight to my mouth. Every part of me alive and happy.