Saudade

Christmas

For the Christmas I spent in Berlin in 2018

Christmas in Berlin
Berlin was as cold and dead as me
Christmas as lonely as me
Berlin whispered sorry
And I smiled

My eyes were opened
The truth laid bare
Endless texts kept me sane
Texts filled with fake omens

Christmas in Berlin was ill
Coughs with Youtube in the background
No Kara or Markus to care for me
No stop chatting with hope

A halal supermarket was open
Pasta for Christmas dinner
A possible fun memory
Perhaps in another life

Berlin smelled like lemongrass
Sweet beacon to guide me
A true contrast
An illusion of being free

Berlin could have been beautiful
Perhaps it will be on day
Until then I mourn the city
Christmas in Berlin was a funeral

For the Christmas tree I put up this year (2022)

Christmas ball
The Christmas ball fell from my hand
It shattered into a million pieces
I collected the shards
Traced the edges as though they were sad

A burgondy drop races from my finger
The white flooring stained in a blink

I wrapped the shards in paper
Taped it shut so no one would see
Taped it shut so no one would be harmed
I tossed them in the bin

Soaked away my blood between my lips

An empty spot remains on the tree
I care not to hide it

On Tuesday I took out the bin
Looked out of the window all morning
The snow fell when the truck came
The shards were taken and driven away

I watched them drive away
Even frozen roads would sway them
All that remains is the scar I bear
And the lonesome tree bough