The pickpocket and the billionaire

Chapter 19

19

Paige Hartley

I practised every day with my newly bought gun, and every day, I felt worse about myself. I was falling apart, hiding this from Sebastian, becoming a killer. I started to tell myself that I wasn't going to kill Shawn and that I just bought the gun for self-protection. I was losing it.

What was worse, was that there was no one I could talk with about this. About what I wanted to do. About how I felt. I felt like a murderer.

To practice, I found a place in the garden behind a hedge. With the silencer on, no one knew I was there. The recoil was the worst. My body was aching all over and it messed up my aim. Practising every day with a carefully calculated amount of bullets helped though.

Sebastian and I were distant. While I was on a path headed for destruction, he and Veronica were talking. They were trying to fix something. I didn't talk about it with him. Not anymore. All I knew, was that I was not only losing it, I was also losing him. At least, that's what it felt like.

When I wasn't practising shooting cans, the gun was hidden in my old room. The oldest of the three where I had stayed in the last couple of months. Taking it with me to work was out of the question. I became nervous of the thought that someone would find it in my bag. Not that anyone was supposed to be looking in my bag.

Life was such a mess right now. There were however, a few things that were in my control. I just had to focus on them. Maybe Shawn wasn't going to do shit. He'd been quiet for a while now. It could very well be that he was letting this go. I should focus more on the man that I was losing. God, that hurt. I couldn't bear the thought.

I was sitting on the couch, a chesterfield one seater, thinking about all this. Driving myself crazy, going over everything. I wanted to escape so badly, but I couldn't leave anyone behind, not knowing what Shawn was doing. He was making pictures, that was what he was doing. He was waiting behind the scenes, wanting me to become a wreck while anticipating anything he could do.

He was destroying my life and he wasn't even trying. He wasn't even doing anything.

"Stop it." I breathed to myself. I was breathing too heavily. Everyone was in danger. Or weren't they? "Stop it." I snapped more snidely at myself. I grabbed onto my head, wanting to stop my train of thoughts. Hell, I didn't want to think anything. Why couldn't my thoughts ever be quiet. Why could my head never be empty of this torture?

"Stop it!" I yelled, jumping up and kicking the couch. I wiped everything right off the small table next to the couch. A lamp, some books, a glass. And then I fell to the ground, crying. No. Bawling my eyes out, because I was so tired of having to be sure and prepared. I was so tired of not wanting to count on anyone. I secretly wanted to give Sebastian the go ahead. Move in, do whatever you can to destroy Shawn. Please.

Arms circled around me. The black spots that currently enabled my vision and the blood rushing through my ears made sure I hadn't seen or heard anyone coming. But I could smell him and for once, I allowed myself to grab onto him, to show weakness.

"Shhh." He whispered, rubbing my shoulder up and down. "It's okay." He said. He didn't even know why I was crying, but I believed him. It really was okay.

"I can't do it anymore, Sebastian." I cried, trying not to embarrassingly bawl.

"I know." He replied, pulling me into him and onto his lap. He knew. He did. Veronica didn't matter, because he still understood me.

"What do I do?" I asked, feeling completely useless. My body felt like a nuisance to my own being.

"Nothing. We just sit here." Sebastian replied. And we did. For a long while, we just sat in silence until I stopped crying. Then we sat there for a little longer. My position wasn't exactly comfortable, but I didn't want to move.