wow my name is abigail

December 27, 2022

I think I get it. I need someone to just be honest and real with me and not just play around like everything's fine.. like everyone else does. I need to just be told the truth straight up, I need people to hold me to something so that I am accountable and so that I really know what I'm doing. If I read the Bible every day but then as soon as I finish my two chapters start listening to bad music.. am I just hearing it and letting it go out the other ear? (James 1:21) I need friends who will talk to me about Jesus. Sometimes it's best to hear straight truth. There is this Christian rapper I listened to and in one song he said, "No comparison, it [knowing Jesus] is better than sex." Even if you know that all your life, sometimes just hearing it said straight up really helps. Sometimes, I just lose sight of the point and I think that's a lot of the problem. I don't understand why we're doing this. I just need to fight my flesh whenever it tries to just deny what I know to be obviously true. I prayed for my father this morning though, and I have been feeling better though Spiritually. 

Notes for life: Do not just text people at random. Me: Literally just texts people at random. 
No actually though, I'm getting way too excited at this random conversation. I literally keep smiling because of this guy, it's cute. Oh, well. 

**me on break, being lonely, saying hi repeatedly to a message page of someone else's regardless of the fact that they can't hear me at all and then not texting them at all because they will totally think I'm a weirdo if I try to have a deep conversation about stuff that neither of us probably want to talk about** 

My mother took a picture of me studying. Thankfully, she didn't zoom in. I'm working on an assignment that I should've had done weeks ago, and I'm getting it over with so at least I will have it done by the time school starts. There is so much to study! And so hard to know where to start. 

Last night I had a somewhat pleasant dream. A guy who I've had several fights with and who I keep somehow getting back on rough terms with, I managed to accidentally talk to! It was fine actually. A little tense, but that probably makes it more realistic. I could probably talk to him in real life, as I think neither of us really like being up at arms against each other. 

I managed to pull myself out of bed before 9 this morning. It's a success... not to include the fact that I didn't do anything for hours after I woke up. In my defence a male family friend was in the living room and I didn't quite want to come out until he left, even after I'd prepared myself for the day. 

Somehow my phone stays on 1% for ages, so I can just sit and use it for Spotify while it's at 1%, because Spotify doesn't work on my computer. 

I need to learn a new language so I randomly shuffled all the languages that are available on Google Translate. I ended up with Sanskrit. It is a language not currently spoken but ancient Hindu and Buddhist texts are written in Sanskrit. It is similar to some Indian languages. I think I will try to learn it, and if for any reason, it can help me to learn current languages in the future when I need to. It may also be interesting for research, and as a code language perhaps! 

Today at lunch me and my sister started randomly talking about memories from years and years ago. Oh, so much has happened in my life! I need someone to just tell it all too, so I can process it. I also have many thoughts about where I'll end up. I'm used to Asia as I've grown up here, so I would love to live here. However, I've felt for a while that God was calling me to Europe, and considering I think that would be an extra hard place for me because of the culture, I think that just makes the calling clearer. I have had Czechia on my heart for a while. But, who knows? 

Christianity is hard. It's hard because you know it's true and worth it and lovely, but then it becomes difficult for you. I once heard that if you are attacked by the devil, take comfort in the fact that if he attacks you, what you have is a threat to him and worth attacking.