Controlling Vulnerable

Chapter 14

Lara barely left her office all day, her stiff wrist a constant remainder of the night before. She was aware the photographs from the previous night were doing the rounds and generating nudges and talk, but more than anything, she wanted to avoid the pain of seeing Joe. Joe kept his head down all day, blocking his calendar out in between meetings as "busy." Linda kept her counsel until just about everyone had left and then went into his office and sat opposite him. He looked up with a neutral expression, and Linda raised an eyebrow. Joe sat back and sighed, "Did you see or did Lara tell you?" Linda narrowed her eyes, "Neither, but I know you both well enough to know something significant happened last night." Joe put his head in his hands, "I messed up big time Linda. I kissed her." Linda smiled with relief, "Joe, is that it? I'm not sure I'd categorise that as messing up." Joe rubbed his face, "No, you don't get it. We were having a really good night. She was like a superstar in that room. All the investors on our table were loving her. She went to the restroom and she was a while, so I went to just check she could find her way back. I couldn't see her at first, but then I saw Ryan Newman had hold of her wrist. She was trying to pull away, but he was too strong. Lara said he was high as a kite. Linda, something snapped in me. I got him to let go and pulled her away, but when I saw how he'd hurt her wrist, I wanted to punch him so bad." Linda gasped, "Jesus Joe, what did you do?" He put a hand up with a wry smile, "Relax, Lara made me walk away." He sighed, "We left, but it just hit me like an eighteen-wheeler, I love her. When I walked her to the porch, I gave in, and I kissed her, like really kissed her." Linda's face reflected her confusion, and she said, "So what's the problem, did she push you away or something?" Joe couldn't help but smile, "God no, I think she liked it alright." He groaned and ran his hand through his hair, "Linds I pushed her away. I told her I couldn't feel that way for her and left."

Linda didn't know whether to feel angry with him or sympathetic to his obvious distress. She glanced behind to check the office was empty and moved to perch on the desk next to his chair. She smoothed his hair back down and said, "Joe honey, what are you afraid of?" He looked up and said in a haunted voice, "Loving Lara will make me weak Linda. You know what happened with Hayley. I lost focus, and I lost everything." Linda sighed, "Joe, this is totally different. Lara's different." He lifted an eyebrow, "Is she? She works for me, I pay for her house, her car, and I gave you my credit card to buy her dress yesterday. Linda put her hand on his arm, and her tone was firm, "Listen to me Joe. Lara is different. Yeah, she works for you, but the house and the car, they're all part of her contract. Think of where you met her. She was on an international flight to be a speaker at an industry conference. I know you pay her well Joe, but she was earning serious money long before she met you. She's got property here, back in the UK." She shook her head, "Joe, check your credit card app. You won't find a single dollar from yesterday's shopping trip. Lara insisted on paying for it all herself." Joe looked floored and Linda's voice softened, "Joe, loving Lara won't make you weak, but it will make you vulnerable, and all that's important is whether you trust her with that." She stood up and kissed his head, "I'm heading home. I love you Joe whatever you decide, but please, please talk to her. She's barely lifted her head up today. She must be in pieces."

Joe waited until nine before he knocked on Lara's door, hoping the girls would be asleep. He'd taken his tie off, and Lara had kicked her work shoes off. His heart lurched seeing she looked like she might have been crying, and he said, "Can I come in and talk?" She nodded and walked to the kitchen, leaving him to close the door and follow her. She wordlessly filled the kettle and made them tea, passing him one while taking hers to the couch.

Joe's nerves grew, and sitting next to her, he inhaled sharply, "Lara I want to explain." She nodded sadly and said, "It's okay, the wine, the party, you got carried away and regretted it, I understand." Joe shook his head, "That's not it Lara." She frowned and waited. He rubbed his sweaty palm on his suit pants, "Lara I realised last night that I love you, and I panicked because the last time I loved someone, I lost everything." Lara held her breath, and he pushed on. "Truth is, I've been fighting this since the first moment I laid eyes on you on that flight. I spoke to Linda earlier, and she explained I'm not scared of being weak because I'm in love with you like I thought, I'm scared of being vulnerable." A tear rolled down Lara's cheek, and there was a pause as she struggled to get enough control to speak. After an agonising delay, she said, "Joe, did it ever cross your mind that you aren't the only one this thing between us leaves vulnerable? How vulnerable do you think I feel when you draw me in and then push me away?" Joe brushed the tear away gently with his thumb and said, "I'm so sorry Lara. I can't promise never to mess up again, but I can promise I'll try. I want to tell you what happened when I was married so you understand me better. Linda, Mark and my mom are the only people who know. I haven't even told Will the full story." Lara wiped her eyes and nodded. Joe smiled and holding her face with his hands he gave her a tender kiss on the lips before adding, "And then I want you to tell me what happened to you. I know you hurt, but I need you to tell me the full story."