ʍɛʍօʀɨɛֆ աɨȶɦ ʏօʊ || ʀǟʍǟʏǟռǟ օռɛ ֆɦօȶֆ

Guilt

He closed his eyes and thought. A lot had happened in the past few months. It had been a shock to see his father's body lying in an oil tub. What had happened so quickly? Just a few months ago, he would not have been to imagine this - this - he didn't have a word for it.

He had never imagined or even thought, that his mother, his Rani Kaikeyi, whom he'd idolized and loved, who was supposed to be strong and firm of the mind; would turn out to be so - so - there was no other word for it - gullible.

His mother, the one who had spoiled his eldest brother the most, loved him the most, cared for him the most - would do such a thing. 

Granted, Manthra was the person whom Rani Kaikeyi trusted the most, after her, well ex-family, but he could not comprehend what had been going on in his moth - no, he could not bear to call her that - Rani Kaikeyi's mind when she asked for a fourteen - year - exile for his brother. How could she? How could she do that?  were the questions he asked everyday, yet never received an answer.

He'd cut off all ties with her, and ignored her everyday when she attempted to talk to him.

It had been the biggest shock of his life. He simply could not get the images out of his head - his father ; the man who'd raised them, loved them, cared for them, more than any of the queens could ever - dead, gone, lying in a tub of oil, an expression of pure grief, as if, even in death his sprit was mourning for the loss of two of his sons, and his eldest daughter-in-law. 

Coming back to Ayodhya, he'd been mystified and scared when he saw its condition. And when he saw Rani Kaikeyi's lips move, and form those words, those horrible words that had destryoed his family. It was like she'd never known him. How she had expected him to even claim the throne, was beyond him.

Then there were his brothers, and his fourth ma, Sita ma.

 When they'd gone to the forest, they'd seen drops of blood, splattered here and there. He could only assume that they came from thorns and pebbles. At that moment he was really glad that their mothers' had not accompanied them. And sure enough, when they reached their family's hut on top of a hill, they'd seen Lakshman's foot covered in leaves when he'd run down and pointed an arrow straight at his face.

'I probably deserved that'  he thought as he sat on his bed. Aside from the Ayodhyan public, always giving him dirty looks and badmouthing him, even his own brother and turned on him. But then his Ram Bhaiyya had stopped him as he and Sita bhabhi came running down nearly tripping.

They led us back to their hut, after Lakshman had apologized and they looked so cheerful, so happy. He couldn't bring himself to wipe the smile off their faces with the bad news. Shatughan, the young child, who'd matured into an adult overnight - to do the inevitable task.

The moment those words had been uttered their faces had fallen and morphed into those of incurable grief. His only elder brother had remained expressionless, and less than a couple of seconds later, swayed and collapsed. 

They rushed forward to grab him before he hit the ground, Sita bhabhi screaming in the baground, and Lakshman and Shatrughan had caught an arm each and they gently lowered him to the ground. 'Great, can't even catch your own brother useless' he had muttered to himself.

***

The next day they all had watched him perform their father's last rites with a completely broken expression on his face. His elder brother and his father had been the closest and he couldn't even begin to think how much pain this was causing him.

He'd begged his brother to return but all he'd gotten was a firm no and upon further begging, his brother's slippers.

They'd returned to the place even more heartbroken than before

***

'No' he thought as he got up. 'I deserve to suffer. I can't live in luxury while my own brother is in the forest.'

That was the day he vowed to kill himself if his brother didn't return after 14 years.

It was the day their life changed again.

***

A/N : Hey guys! This is my first time writing angst. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Please review?