Emotional Ramblings: MaAn

Unspoken Words

"Yeh Anuj ko pata nahi chalegi ki uski Anu ki ghutno main dard ho raha hain?"

Those words broke through her reverie as she gazed at him through her pain at having disappointed him and Chotti. She was washed over with the relief that he still cared. She knew deep down that all of this was being said for her own good, but old wounds always open up at unexpected times. And hearing his disappointment in a way brought out the old Anu, the one who trembled in fear upon disappointing others and letting them down...and the fear of being abandoned. But how does one explain to silly Anupamaa that true love never abandons, but always tries to bring each other up.

She wanted him to know that he is and always was her first priority and Chotti is a piece of her soul despite not having given birth to her. The world may taunt her and call her an undeserving spouse and a bad mother and question her love for them, but how does she articulate to the world that these two are the reason for her very existence. She knows that her babies would never question her love nor doubt her affection for them, despite what the world may spew.

As Anuj watched the micro transformation of her expressions as she took in his words, his heart ached looking at her confusion of having disappointed their family. How does he convey that she is their entire world and watching her crumble under the unrealistic expectations of others is like watching their entire world crash around them. His heart was being torn into pieces at the harsh words he was throwing at her and her tears were like daggers piercing his heart. But even if he has to die a million deaths, he knew it was time that he teaches her the ultimate lesson - the art of saying NO. They both had to learn and unlearn a lot of things as a couple - but the one thing that always evaded them was on how to handle their past. Whether it be Mukku or the Shah's, the soft corner they held in their hearts for them would forever be their Achilles heel.

With tears in their eyes, these two passed the rest of the journey home, THEIR home, in silence.

*In this version, Baa is not waiting their to add more drama*

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As Anuj watched, Anu proceeded to sweetly get Chotti ready for bed while murmuring sweet apologies in her ears. Anu could feel his gaze on her as she rustled around ensuring things were all settled before they went to bed. She was trying to cover up her pain and forcibly walking without showing her limp as pain shot up through her knee. When out of sight from Anuj, she leaned against the wall and rubbed her knee and exhaled shakily. She would need to quickly ice her knee before it got much worse, but she was hesitant to show the full extent of her injury to her world. She had been used to hiding her pain for many years, but that all had changed with Anuj. But today, she wanted him to relax - she could understand his emotional turmoil. He was probably already hating himself for expressing his disappointment to her earlier and she didn't want to further cause grievance to his already sad soul. She quickly snatched a few items from the first aid box in the hopes to do a quick remedy while she changed in the bathroom before going to bed. Saying so, she got some hot tea for her Kapadia ji in the hopes that he'd be able to calm down and sleep well. "Unke upar already kitna stress hain and upar se meri harkaton ki vajeh se pareshaan hain. Main try karti hoon, par pata nahi kyon main hamesha galat logo ko apne upar itna haq jama karne deti hoon. Kitni logo ne bola, nahi Anu esa mat kar. Maa, Bhavesh, Devika, Samar aur mere Anuj. Par pata nahi mujhe kya ho jata hain." Mumbling to herself, unaware that Anuj was still observing her from a distance, she continued her inner rant. (Ab itni logo ko baashan deti hain, khud ko vo kaise chor dengi :P )

*switching to english*

"Everytime I try to prioritize things, I always fall back into bad habits. How do I explain to Anuj on how I used to be taunted whenever I failed to take care off Baa and Baapuji by Mr.Shah. The fear put into me to prioritize his parents first for 26 years is something I can't shake off despite all my tries. How I was kicked out of the house for prioritizing myself that one time since I failed to be there for their dinnertime. The fear of abandonment to a woman who considered her husband her everything and watching him close the door on her face as her children and her so-called parents just watched without saying a single word." She recalled how she had hovered on the ground crying...she couldn't believe that her single outing could cause such a reaction from her so called pati parameshwar. That pain was something that would haunt her soul till her last breath.