Emotional Ramblings: MaAn

Conflicts of the Heart - 1

Main kabhi tumhe chod kar chala jau to tum to mujhe chodke nai jauge na?

Kabhi Nahi.

Wada?

Wada.

With a gasp Anuj woke up from his beautiful dream into the current nightmare he was living. He could almost feel the softness of her pallu on his cheeks as she dried them. He could've sworn he felt the warmth of her arms cradling him in her lap as her bangles pressed against his head in a comforting and familiar way. If only she had given him a warm kiss, he was sure it would've turned his dream into reality, but alas the reality of his situation crashed all around him. The wada echoed through his mind as he grasped to recall where he was. As the past two days of memories flooded through his fever addled state of mind, an intense crushing grief overcame his senses. What had he done? What had he done!

He felt too weak to rush out of the house and his sore legs prevented him from moving freely. But with slow steps he got up and as he walked forward, Chotti stopped him and started to care for him and his wounds. He looked at her with intense fatherly love, he had missed his daughter soo much. He felt like he could finally breathe again seeing her in front of him, oh how he had missed her cute dimpled smile. Why had fate been so cruel as to have taken her away from them? "Them". He had ruined "them".

"Papa, Mummy ke paas chalte hain na, I miss her". Anuj couldn't bear to look at chotti, he didn't dare tell their daughter how he had treated her Mummy. How he had left her behind, how he had hurt her so intensely and despite all that how she had pleaded with him to stay. Her words echoed through his mind again, and something inside him started to unravel itself as the anger from the past two days finally subsided. Grief and regret wound through him and he was finding it hard to breathe. But chotti was looking at him and with a pained smile Anuj exclaimed "Yes, lets go very soon". He hated to make an insincere promise, but he couldn't disappoint Chotti, but he also couldn't face Anupamaa and face the consequences of his behavior. Trying to forget the anguish coursing through his veins, he tried to assuage Chotti's fears which were clearly showing up on her face.

Chotti had a lot of internal questions, "Where was Mummy, why was Papa here all alone, why was he looking so tired and sad, why was he not answering the question of why Mummy didn't come" - she was sincerely lost. Chotti being a smart child knew that her Papa was not in a state to answer these questions. She missed her Mummy desperately and seeing her Papa again reminded her how much she had missed them both. The distractions of the beach and the daily treats being vetted out to her could only comfort her little heart to an extent. She wanted her Papa's hugs and Mummy's scoldings. She missed her parents' goofy romances which usually ended up with Papa getting scolded and Mummy getting kissed despite all her daants. Chotti missed her room and her parents' room - their bed and her place between them was the most warmest, comfiest and safest spot in the world. Her cuddled up against Papa as he hugged her and Mama on cold winter nights as they giggled away to glory. She even remembered how Mummy would massage her legs before bed and she missed her Mummy's chottis, her hair had been in disarray since she had left home and she craved for a good champi and a side chotti that would match Mummy's.

Chotti, being ever the intelligent child, shoved down her emotions and questions and tended to Papa and poured all her sweet love and pampering onto her Father. He closed his eyes in bliss under the tender care of his daughters' affections and he drifted off to sleep. In a bit Chotti left home and Anuj was all alone in the apartment. He missed Chotti so much but it was time to leave. He didn't want to say goodbye in person, he couldn't do that again to himself - he'd write her a note and let her know. He had no idea where he would go and what he would do now. He couldn't face himself let alone his Anupamaa.

~~~~

With a sigh he picked up his bag and opened the door and there was Maa. She looked at him with concern and a bit of strictness. He bowed his head like a child caught stealing from the cookie jar. Walking towards him, she cupped his chin and asked - "Kaise hain mera beta?". And with that tears pooled in Anujs' eyes and he gasped out "Maa". The tears started dropping one by one even though he tried to control them, he couldn't let her see him like this. He had promised to be a good son and a decent son-in-law and protect and take care of her daughter. Now look at him. He made a pitiful excuse of a son, son-in-law, father and most of all - husband. Kaanta Maa looked at Anuj in pure affection and love as she took him into a hug, "Thu theek hain, kya haal banadiya aake". With that she closed the door tightly and walked him over to the sofa. Making him lie down on her lap, she tenderly put her hand on his forehead and started pressing his head asking him, "Maa ko batayegi nahi - kaise ho?"

Anuj started sobbing as he couldn't control his emotions anymore. "Nothing is alright Maa, I ruined it all. All my promises to you, I've failed! I've failed in everything and instead of accepting it, I blamed it on her. My anger is getting out of my control. Every time I feel myself slipping into a chasm and I don't know if I can recover without hurting those around me."

Kaanta observed his outburst and shushed him, "Thum failure nahi ho Anuj beta, kabhi bi nahi. Just the fact that you have understood where and how you need to work on yourself is testament to the fact that you are not a failure, just human."

Anuj countered "But I hurt her in my anger filled tirade, and she became a victim to this. I know she's made mistakes, but I crossed a line and I don't know why, and I don't know how to fix this. I hurt her, I promised I'd never make her feel that pain or bring tears to her eyes. But look at me, I became the cause of her tears and pain." His tears were flowing down freely by now. "I don't know what happens to me nowadays, I lose control more often despite trying to work on my anger. It's as if in my anger I became a bystander to the words I say or the things Ido, it's almost as if I'm a third party in my own life - watching as my anger filled self wreaks havoc on those around me - usually affecting the ones I love the most."

"Maa, do you want to know what I told her? I told her that I didn't have love inside of me, I didn't know if I had love for her anymore - because I feel empty and devoid of any emotions. How could I say that?"

Kaanta made him sit up and slowly lifted his chin to make him look at her.

"The one who taught my daughter to love again and most importantly love herself - has forgotten love himself. All I see is a boy lost and a broken shell of himself, lashing out at anyone who comes close. You've gone so deep down your path of misery, that you've forgotten who you are. But beta, she's there to pull you out of this hole. She will be your guiding path, your ray of sunshine. What you are going through is not normal, you need your partner. Let her be there for you, why are you pushing her away?"

"Because I fear that I will push her to the brink Maa, I already brought all her old insecurities back - god knows how she's doing. I can't bring her into this emotional mess of mine."

Kaanta patiently countered - "So what will you do?"

"I can't go back, tell her that the Anuj chapter in her life is over." he cried. His tears were flowing freely as the pent up words came out. "Tell her that she deserved better than this."

"Why don't you tell me yourself?".

Anujs' head snapped up as he heard her voice from the other side of the room.

She was here.

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