destiny decried

today, we pray (THE END)

I only remember clinging to her, holding her as best I could. I only remember saying, "We didn't have enough time."

— Evelyn Hugo, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

It took a long, long while for me to realise how painstakingly unreal things are once again to us. To leap from something so joyous, we are now once again in peril. In the middle of something unavoidable.

Once again, we have to carry the weight of the world. Once again, Therese and I have to be Atlas — to carry both heaven and earth held apart.

I slept on my pantsuit, she slept on her wedding gown. There were more words unsaid than uttered, gaps filled with grief and everything was in a haze. We were supposed to be making love, doing what lovers do — but we're grieving the love we thought we'd won from the battle that is living and loving.

In the middle of the stupor-filled room, I might have submitted to slumber — grief and exhaustion have finally usurped my very being and I've heeded its call. Therese and I were inches apart, but when I woke, I knew that she wasn't by my side and the feeling of her absence is heavier than it is lighter I think, would I have to live a life filled with the absence of the one that I love once again?

The clock says it's past five in the morning and who knew that moments ago we were happily married and thought that this life would have finally given us the love of our lifetime?

I could feel my heart wrench as I got ready to make my way to my runaway bride, the anger instilled in me grew because it was baffling how we are not meant to be in this lifetime when I could easily sense her woes that wouldn't wane. When I could tell by the distance between us that her life is falling apart and there was no fix because I feel the same way too.

My footsteps are light. I could tell by the shadows from each door that our children have not submitted to the slumber we were all supposed to be enjoying right now.

My prayers are withstanding even without any presence of some tangible thing that represents the omnipotent, I let my woes be a trail of thoughts on their way to the heavens above pleading that this entire thing is just one big dream, a nightmare we all could wake up from.

But when I felt the steering wheel come alive, I knew right there and then that I was making my way to a goodbye I thought I'd never have to bid once again.

______

My runaway bride, still clad in what was once a white gown now tainted with dust and charcoal-black stains.

The mewling is audible even from afar, my Therese on her knees praying to God.

My jelly-filled knees are summoned only by gravity. I didn't know how I made my way from there to here, but I am beside her now and the gown that was once put together seemed visibly falling apart as if it had a mind of its own.

"Reese," I tapped her shoulder, letting my presence be known.

You could tell how long she has been on the kneeler, the way the mould is shaped perfectly with how her knees were carved.

I am confronted by the most beautiful bride one could ever perceive, but her eyes seem to be travelling elsewhere, her lips quivering as the tears fall and I am confronted by the most beautiful yet saddest bride one could ever perceive.

December never felt so wrong. But it is the new year, and I am grieving.

"Alis na lang tayo, please." She implored. "Take me somewhere we could be free, please."